Please Help Me!!

Dear Dr Heartache.....I'm Desperate..and I do mean desperate.....why else would I send out ridiculous emails. 

Dearly Beloved,

Please read this slowly and carefully, relax and perhaps lie down and turn off all distractions such as the television, radio, cell phone, make the house quiet as a mouse and read this letter as it may be one of the most important emails you ever get. 

I am Mrs Esther Samson. I was married to Late Eric Samson. He used to work with Shell Petroleum Development Company London and was also a seasoned contractor in the West African Region.

He died on Monday,31 July, 2003 in Paris. (Arsenic poisoning found in his morning orange juice)
We were married for eight years without a child. We tried and tried but failed and failed and finally gave up. We decided to adopt then decided against it because the kids we saw were too bratty and the babies cried too much so we decided to go it alone without kids in our life. We did however buy dogs and cats, a penguin we visit yearly and a walrus and an elephant are our current pets. The penguin's name is Chill-boy..and why not he is a penguin.

Anyway as I was saying....After my beloved husband's untimely, mysterious, suspicious, ghastly, and violent poisoning death (From the orange juice) I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home. Really who would want to be married to a woman whose last four husbands died from poisoned orange juice they had for breakfast?

I remember the orange juice! I squeezed it myself in the juicer that morning....but how the poison got there is what is suspicious and mysterious. Strangely and mysterious...the police cannot figure it out. How the poison got in his orange juice from the juicer to the table where he sat is the mystery they are desperately trying to solve. Obviously sometime and somehow from the juicer to the table the poison was placed into his juice. When he drank it he fell over and died. I hope they can figure this out.

They have eliminated me as a suspect because I was out getting his morning paper when the poison was put in his orange juice. I can prove this by my neighbor Miranda Pigg. She saw me picking up the paper at exactly 6:30 AM...and my dear husband drank the poison at the exact time I was outside. I told the police that I had been outside for a few minutes before Miranda saw me. He carried his own orange juice. I left it in the juicer and told him I had to go get him the newspaper so would he serve his orange juice. He said yes and during the time he walked from the juicer to the breakfast able the arsenic appeared in his juice. Strange but true. Could it have been a suicide? The police suspect it could have been since I was outside fetching his morning paper as I did in mornings past.

The police are investigating this mysterious happening even right now as I type this urgent email to you a trusted and interested client (I hope!)

However I did meet a real cute guy at MatchMeWithMyTorridLoveRightNow, org.

He is morbidly obese and poor as a church mouse but hey no one is perfect!

Back to urgent matter.....When my late husband was alive,he deposited the sum of GBP 5.2 Million in a bank in London,which is now wasting and languishing there. I am languishing also to get my hands on that money! I want it so much I could taste it! I hunger for that cash!

This is where you come in!

My Doctor told me that I would not last long due to my complicated health issues,I have cancer and diabetes, high blood pressure, brain tumors and severe acne! I am also deaf and mute not to mention I need a pedicure. I haven't had one since 1986.

Having known my condition I decided to donate this funds to better the lives of the less privileged.  Might as well give it away since I will die soon. 

I need an honest and trust worthy individual that will utilize this money in accordance with my instruction. I want the funds to be used in funding religious organizations,orphanages and less privileged ropagating the word of God.

I trust you to take these millions and give them to churches and orphanages after I drop dead and buy the farm.

I took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husband's relatives are very unkind to me ( I hate them too!)  They insist that I posioned my husband and do not believe the neighbor that I was, in fact, out getting the morning paper when the arsenic was put in his orange juice.

so on and so forth...and I don't want my husband's hard earned money to be misused. 

I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. Hell?

I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Yeah right! As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Bank,and my Attorney in London.

For legitimacy,he will also issue you a letter of authorization that will empower you as the original-beneficiary of this fund. Please offer him a glass of orange juice after you sign the necessary documents. Just a friendly gesture of thanks for his help. If you know what I mean.

I will like you to provide me with your information so that I can
forward it to my attorney so that he will start processing of your
transfer into your account. So I will like you to send this
information below.

1)    Full name
2)    Age and marital status.
3)    Banking information
4)    Mobile number and occupation
5)    And your home address.

6.) Picture ID 

7. )Passport copy

With all this I will forward it to my attorney
who will help you because my health condition is not sound..namely my mind!

I want you to always pray for me, please I beg I beg...Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for another individual for this same purpose. I beg do not let me down...I am shamelessly desperate...(Obviously)

If you are not interested,kindly pardon me for contacting you. I beg you! You can reach me with my alternate email address which I seem to have forgotten at the moment...anyway....I beg you! I have so many emails it is had to keep up much less remember all the passwords such as key and like and too and so on.

Contact me through the love match site and just look for Esther and Lardolovebirds

Thanks,
Yours sincerely,
MRS ESTHER Samson

Orange Juice arsenic murderess

(please disregard last line it was in jest)

Dear Dr Heartache.....I'm Desperate yet have a marvelous idea...it is this.....for someone to trust me so I can deposit the tidy sum of $500 million US dollars into their American bank account.

Of course you will be handsomely paid for your help; a insane amount of $100 million US Dollars!
Can you even now imagine yourself on a vacation others only dream of? You can do anything with that kind of money.


Buy a yacht and sail away!


Continuing with my offer......It seems that my illustrious and highly esteemed uncle who was a outrageously rich man here in Burkino Faso was tragically killed while hunting monkeys in the jungle.


Sadly he did not leave a will. Yes I agree that someone so rich would have the common sense to prepare an iron clad will so his fortune will not fall into the wrong hands.


However these things happen and that is the precise reason I appeal to your decency and honesty to help me get his money out of the bank here in Burkino Faso.


All I require is an honest person; one who is not looking to make a fast buck on the internet. The bank president said that according to the laws here in Burkino Faso if I can somehow transfer the money to America I can claim it for my own since our nation has nothing to do with your nation when it comes to laws and money locked in banks whose owners have tragically died in place crashes. We now have a law covering this problem so if it arises there will be a way to save the money from becoming stagnant and un-with drawable.


Just send me immediately a few details such as what is listed below;


1. name 2. address 3. phone number of cell and landline 4. social security number 5. date of birth 6.place of birth 7.race or ethnicity... and of course your bank account number and pin. Oh yes don't forget name and address of bank where your money is now sitting.


Please do it immediately as I just now received a fax from another potential customer who is willing to send the necessary information to become instant millionaire.

Call my number it is; 890-879-986000-1111 ex 666 Honestly and truly yours, Congotrie La Manuieter of Burkino Faso

LOTS OF HUGS!

Dear Congotrie La Manuieter,

Please forgive me for taking so long to answer your much welcomed letter begging for help to delete my bank account of my hard earned money.
Sadly my house recently burned to the ground
and all the information you requested is lost.
It seems my husband forgot to pay the fire insurance and all went down in fiery flames.
Right now we are staying in a motel with our two dogs that happened to escape the blazing inferno which destroyed our home and all our belongings.
We had just bought a new living room set and it is gone!
If I can be of any other assistance in helping you find someone to supply all the information you requested I will forward their name to you along with the email address.
HUGS and keep on choogling!

MY compassionate Friend..I beg for mercy and understanding so we can fulfill our destiny concerning this all-important matter here in my country.

My working partner has helped me to send your first payment $5000 to you and here is the information;MKOU:

First Name: Toiett

Last Name:Pwopoee

Amount Sent: $50,000.00 US Dollars

M T C N: 97657978675488890

Test question: Void of Trust

Answer: In disobedience to decency and honor

Track it now at your local eastern union.

I told him to keep sending you $50,000.00 daily until the payment of ($1.8 millions) is completed and again forward them your Telephone number,

Full Name, Your Country and address along with your photo and private number

so that they will be sure it is you.
Please,contact: Mr Sam David to the below E-mail
\ (wackko_willie.western.union.of.burkinafaso.xx@hotmail.fr)

Contact person:

Best est Regards
& Hugs..

Mr Terry Orbit

Dear Dr Heartache.....I Need Help....Please tell me what to do about this man I am having a hard time forgetting...
I remember your incredible perfect advice to that woman whose husband had left her for his secretary.
You told her to forget that loser and get a life! I love it! You got right to the point!


You told her to never waste her time or even one precious breath of her life crying over a man who doesn't care if he hurts her.


You said it was a no brainer what to do if a man cheats and lies and betrays and so on...


But here is my sad case story...


I loved Mark from the night we met.

He was perfect! I thought when I saw him the stars fell from the sky right into my heart. I could see him through the stars and how they shone through his eyes. I was IN LOVE!


Could I say I was in a dream land state? I was. I was mad and crazy for him to the point of fainting at least once a day whenever I thought of him.


I even fainted in stores if I happened to see anything that reminded me of his handsome face.


Once I fainted for love for him in the street and almost got hit by a truck.
But I was dumb beyond belief and so was he.


Anyway Dr Heartache he married someone else.


Did he know what he did to me? Did I know what I did to him? I was in a relationship at the time and was quite committed to it. Or thought I was.


He left for parts unknown and I didn't see him for a few years until we happened to run into each other on a sandy beach in southern California.


Anyway he was walking along the beach with an obese woman who looked to be quite a bit older than him. I thought could this be his mother?


I quickly dismissed the thought realizing immediately what in the world would he be doing walking along a beach with his mother.


Also maybe his mother was thin.
Please understand that I was angry at him.


We talked and I told him I was not interested in seeing him for the rest of the time God gives me breath.


Should I have agreed to meet him the next day?
I love him madly still and am a little confused what to do.
What would you have done?


Wondering what to do in San Miguel

Dear Wondering...QUIT wondering!
Do you know what a man is?
He is a large pile of dirt God scooped up in his hand one day and breathed life into.
Yes that is what he is.
And without God he is a zero!
A greasy smear in a woman's life if he is causing her pain.
He is not "all that" if he is causing you heartache and confusion!
How clear it is!
I have no tolerance for lying cheating men!
God created men to love women, to protect us, and provide for us.
And provide for means provide more than money!
They should protect us even from themselves.
True.. God laid a great responsibility on them concerning women but remember God will never command a man to do what he cannot do.
If he cannot do or will not do it he does not love the woman.
If he does not love than what are you doing with him?
They need to provide themselves and if they can't it is a no-brainer what to do about it.
Leave!
If they do not do that they are losers!
Can't you see he is the one who is confused as to what to do.
Walking along a sandy beach in southern California with an obese woman old enough to be his mother is a sign his mind is gone!
You know...the lights are on but no one is home!
I suggest you forget this person and...
GET A LIFE!
PS.... try going to Torrid Midnight Online Dating Services.
I hear the men there are cute and rich!

BOA CONSTRICTER aka BANK OF AFRICA

Dear Dr Heartache.....I Need Help... since I am without scruples! I keep sending out emails trying to con people into giving me their account number so I can withdraw money from their accounts.
Help me! Following is an example of the many emails I send out daily to con the connable.
.

Dear Friend

I know that this mail will come to you as a surprise as we never met before. I am Mr. IBRAHIM AR WAN aka ohbaby!, the manager of Auditing and Accounting section of bank of Africa (B.O.A) Ouagadougou Burkina Faso.

I Hoped that you will not expose or betray this trust and confident that I am about to repose on you for the mutual benefit of our both families.

I need help IMMEDIATELY in transferring the sum of Fifteen Million Five Hundred Thousand united state dollars ($15.5mUSD) IMMEDIATELY to your account.

IMMEDIATELY!

The fund has been dormant (in-active) for 10 years in our Bank here without any body coming for it. I want to release the fund to you as the nearest kin to our deceased customer Mr. Andreas Schrieffer (the owner of the account) who died along with his supposed next of kin in air crash since on 31st July 2000 along with their favorite giraffe.

I don't want the fund to go into our Bank treasury as an abandoned fund, so this is the reason why I contacted you, so that my Bank will release the fund to you IMMEDIATELY as the nearest person to the deceased customer.

For more information about this matter you can visit this site:Test your intelligence/free common sensetest/callingallmorons.com

Please I would like you to keep this proposal as a top secret and delete it if you are not interested. Upon receipt of your reply, I will give you more details regarding this transaction and also note that you will have 1% of the above mentioned amount if you agree to help me execute this business.

And... after the funds has been transferred into your bank account you will take 10% out as a compensation for the expenses you will make in this transaction and 50% is for me. I need to hear from you urgent so that I will give you more information regarding this transaction.
Please send to me IMMEDIATELY

Your Full Name...........................?

Your Sex.................................?

Your Age.................................?

Your Country.............................?

Marital Status...........................?
Ex-husband's last names

Your Occupation..........................?

Your Personal Mobile N°...................?

Your Personal Fax N°......................?
Your favorite color
Your favorite animal
Your favorite movie
Your favorite song
Your favorite food
Your favorite type of furniture
Cablevision or Dish?
Your favorite celebrity.
Your favorite candy bar
Your favorite cereal
Your favorite magazine
Your favorite author
Your favorite bird
Your favorite breath tonic
Your favorite toothpaste& mouthwash
Your favorite politician
Your favorite historical character
Your favorite flower
Your favorite bird
Your favorite car
Last but not least I must have in my possession IMMEDIATELY
your last operation and who performed and why!


With hugs...and eagerly awaiting your response!
Your loving email wacked out friend and colleague,
Jamal OhBaby

Dear OhBaby,
Please check your email tomorrow at precisely 10 AM for a surprise!
Download IMMEDIATELY the file is safe I assure you containing no worms or viruses.
Remember you can trust me!

True Love?

Dear Dr Heartache.....I Need Help....well it finally happened I met the man of my dreams.
Handsome and kind and intelligent.
Just what I want.

I know he loves me desperately and madly yet he hasn't proposed. Does he think I am just another date?
I repeat....Does he think I am just another date?
I hope not. Do I think I am just another date? I think not.
He has no idea how highly I value myself.

I want marriage or nothing!

I'm thinking of giving him an ultimatum to either marry me or go away forever.
Do you think if I tell him to either make a commitment or go away forever...he will make the commitment or go away forever?

I understand some women are now asking men to marry them. They do the proposing. Dr Heartache that is just not me.

I would never ever in a million years ask a man to marry me.
I think not!
I think it is beneath me.

I want him to ask me to marry him or go away forever.

I believe in love and marriage and none of this sleeping around and living together stuff. I find it disgusting and beneath me.

What is the answer here?

Impatient in Nevada

Dear Impatient in Nevada,

I heard that too that some girls are asking men to marry them.
Not my idea of the way it should go.
But the world is changing so drastically it is almost to the point where
anything goes.
Very sad I think.
But to give him an ultimatum might be the end of the road..
I think he knows about love and marriage and I'm sure he is not waiting for you to ask him.
But to give him an ultimatum does not go with love I don't think.
If he loves you he would want to marry you. However some never marry though they say they love each other.
My advice is do not do this.
He knows the score so let it go and if what transpires is
you without a marriage proposal then go away forever.
In a way going away is an ultimatum for him.
Some girls have given ultimatums and were left alone and others did get him to marry.
But here is the thing, why be with a man who you wonder what he is thinking half the time about you?
If he loves you there is a oneness there and if no oneness something is amiss.
Why stay with him if you see no future of hearth and home and family?
Go away forever!
That is what I would do in your situation.

My Darling Has A Calling!

Dear Dr Heartache.....I Need Help....I'm near death!

Firstly let me make it clear that I am drop dead gorgeous!
Beautiful!
Gorgeous describes me better!
This fact is important as I tell the problem that is slowly draining life from me.

Because I am beautiful beyond belief men are afraid to approach me. It has always been a severe problem for me.
Beauty is a blessing but it also seems to be a curse.
Men love me and women hate me.
I look good in anything I wear and I only wear clothes that are bought at exclusive stores.
I'm worth it!
I have a eye for fashion so I always know exactly what looks fabulous on me.
When I say drop dead gorgeous I mean the entire package is gorgeous!
God just blessed me with natural beauty which makes it so much fun to buy clothes.
It is a curse to be so beautiful and perfect.
So....

If I go to a party with friends men look at me then stare awhile then walk away with their head drooping.
I thought I would never meet my dream man because of my exquisite beauty that seems to chase men away instead of asking me to marry them.
I did get a few proposals but I wasn't interested because they were too poor.

But one night I went to a party with a friend and saw the most handsome man I have ever seen. Little did I know he had seen me walk in and asked the host about me.

He said I was all his dreams come true.
I know he is my only one forever.
We dated then for six months straight without letting up. We fell so madly in love it could only be described in a storybook of love and romance that ends well.
He asked me to marry him and we set the date.

Then he said a strange thing to me and this is why I write.

He wants to move to Mexico and take care of the poor and destitute.
He said this is his calling.
Huh? Calling? I thought he loved me!
I don't have any interest in any "calling" he has since I have no idea what it would be like to do anything for anyone except for myself.

Is his love real or is he just looking for someone to cook for him and wash his clothes while he goes out to walk the streets looking for some poor person to help?

Dr Heartache I am shocked that he wants to do these things and not take me shopping and traveling all over the world and having eyes and arms only for me.

Why can't he just be happy giving to the panhandlers that ask for money outside Wal Mart?

Do you think he might choose his calling over me?
I thought beauty would work on him.. it always worked before.
I was always able to depend on it.
Now what?
I'm afraid he will choose his calling over me.
He said he must do this.
But..I don't want to go help poor people!

Devastated in Santa Barbara, California

Dear Devastated in Santa Barbara, California
Hmmm...wonder why he didn't tell you this first..BUT
Don't marry him you will be doing him a large favor
and all the poor destitute people in Mexico!
I hope he finds a woman who has a calling also.
Yawn....
Hope this helped..

Enough is Enough!

Dear Dr Heartache.....I Need Help....Will it ever end? My best friend is Black.

She and I have tons of fun together but here is the problem. We cannot have a conversation ever until she brings up race. It is always about race.

She says that Blacks are mistreated in the very country they helped build. I don't know anything about that.

She goes on and on that her grand-daddy lived all his life with racism yet he did his best to raise his family and send them all to college.
All of them are PhD's.

She speaks of race every time we do lunch or attend a friend's party. My boyfriend said he is tired of her complaining then told her if she hated it so much to leave the country for good! He told her to go back to Africa then.
She became very indignant and accused him of being...yes you guessed it...a racist.
He said he is done with this nonsense.He even made it clear that if I continue to be her friend he will have no choice but to break off our relationship.


My friend said that Blacks should be treated better than they are because of the slave trade and the old plantations where they did all the work while the lazy ignorant Whites sat around and got fat.

It is always about race! I told her on television the Blacks are on every channel (I have cable with hundreds of channels) They are on almost every commercial. If not the main character they are somewhere in the background smiling and laughing with Whites.

Or In the kitchen cooking with them. Laughing! Having picnics together laughing and eating.

I see Blacks running laughing across the beach with Whites on commercials. They win academy awards now. They head universities. They have sitcoms and talk shows and make movies playing the heroes and leading men and women. They are doctors and lawyers and writers and on and on it goes.

They now occupy the Oval Office. They are everywhere and still the complaining goes on and on about race. One congresswoman said that hurricanes should be be given African American names so as to be fair.

Names such as Hurricane Jamal and Hurricane Ioesha.

She put her hands to her ears to shut me out, but since we have been friends since high school I continued... Enough of this race talk by Blacks I told her.

The fact of the matter is we all look different and think different and act differently. Why not recognize that and work on that instead of the constant complaining about race? I told her that others have rights also.

Enough is enough!

So Dr Heartache do you think it is possible that she and I can remain friends? I don't! I am sick of hearing about race and racism and Blacks and slavery and plantations and evil Whites.
What should I do?

Fed Up In Georgia!

Dear Fed Up In Georgia,
If I was you I would break up my friendship with her to keep the boyfriend. It sounds like he gave you an ultimatum....quit talking to her or lose him.
Choose him!
Definitely choose him!
If she wants to continue on the path she is on what can you do?
Nothing.
Let her go her way and be done with it.
Good luck!

Dear Beneficiary aka Dr Heartache,

This is to bring to your notice that because of the impossibility of your fund transfer through the Western Union network, we have credited your total of $5.5 million valid fund into an ATM MASTER CARD.

And guess what? I have paid the re-activation fee and the delivery of the ATM Card To you! A samming grand total of $13,299.00 US Dollars.

I paid it, not only because I am a moron, but because the ATM Card worth of $5.5 million which I have registered it delivery yesterday has less than Seven (7) days to expire in the custody of the FedEx Company.

And guess what? Yes, when it expires, the money will go into Federal Government treasury account.
With that we decided to help you pay off the money so that the ATM Card will not expire.

Know why? Because I trust that when you receive your ATM Card definitely you must pay me back my money and even compensate me for helping you.

Now I want you to contact FedEx Express at:fedexpressonline@turk.zz with your physical address. That's right if you desire the delivery to be made so that they can deliver your ATM Card to your designated address without any delay.

Right to your door! He will be driving a old green 1988 Ford.

Like I stated earlier, the crediting re-activation, delivery and the company registration charges has been paid by yours truly!.

However, therefore and heretofore, and forevermore, we did not pay their official keeping fees since they refused.

They refused thereby, hereby and hitherto fore, and the reason is that they do not know when you are going to contact them and the demur rage might have increased by then.

Consequently, and as a result of this, they told me that their keeping fees is $25 per day only so I deposited it yesterday 21st of May 2010:

Below is the Contact Information of the FedEx, Express Customer Service Director Mr. Kelly Hall, Email Address online:fedexexpressonline@turk.zz Tel: +339 981-4358.


Contact them today and also send them the security official keeping charge to avoid increase of their fees and let me know once you receive your ATM card.

Important Notice, your ATM CARD package was registered as a gift so that the diplomatic Agent will not know the content of your package okay.

Yours Sincerely,
Mrs. Robin Wren Meadowlark.

Dear Robin Wren Meadowlark,
I live on Mars!
Just follow the Milky Way (It is only 100,000 light years across) until you see a sign pointing to my house.
I might not be home because I am going to visit my cousin on Sirius.
Write me later for further instructions concerning my address.
Toodles!

PLEASE HURRY and RESPOND!

My Dear Little Internet Prey....Hello...and how are you today?

We are not sure you received our previous letter wherein we expressed our grave concerns about an estate of a member of your family linage who died intestate. He died of full blown AIDS and infected liver disease along with other diseases not previously known to medial science.His brain was swollen with tumors.

Anyway...as stated in our previous letter, the bank is at the verge of closing the account of high value which is now dormant belonging apparently to one of your family members who reportedly died tragically five years ago leaving behind a substantial amount of money in a bank account here in Spain.

In view of the above, we have been retained to administer the estate and would like to discuss certain privileged information with you accordingly because you have been identified and located as an only suitable heir apparent to the estate since you share the last name of the deceased.

Luckily we were searching the Yahoo directory for similar name and found your name and photo. By the way you are incredibly gorgeous beyond belief!

Anyway....we would respectfully request that you treat the content of this letter as privileged and respect the integrity of the information you come by as a result of this correspondence. In other words treat it as gold itself!

It might interest you to know that every year in Spain billions of people and animals and insects (especially foreigners) die without leaving a will thereby forfeiting so much money to the government as unclaimed estate.

There is a time limit at the discretion of the Treasury Department when claiming such inheritance hence the need to act swiftly to reconcile this account.

Hop to it!

Call me IMMEDIATELY! Well?

In a recent news report, "there is currently more than $900,000 trillion in unclaimed US DOLLARS..in Spain and Portugal and Puerto Rico and all the towns in South America as well as in the Arctic not to mention Libya."

Listen..and with the total of unclaimed money rising faster than people claiming the funds, it is projected that in the year 4090 there could be as much as $400,000 quadrillion of unclaimed dough.

Aging population is adding more significantly to this number. This is what prompted us to locate you even though we we learned you are ageless in your beauty and intelligence.

We legally empower you to claim the estate before it becomes too late.

Call me IMMEDIATELY! Before you die of old age! I'm not young myself so call me immediately before I die of being decrepit and dilapidated! Not to mention GREEDY!

I was just diagnosed by Doctor Sawbones with several diseases one being full blown AIDS!
In compliance with standard requirements of the federal disclosure and privacy laws which prohibit us from revealing certain privileged information without due process, we intentionally left out certain information which we deemed proprietary at this point and to enable us double-check our record and ensure that you are indeed the addressee of this letter.

We only need you to reconfirm unimportant things such as providing us with your full names, aka's, aliases,... (no initials please); your date of birth; your current occupation; contact address, boyfriend's address, and your telephone/fax numbers.

Also Please send results of MRI. And the recent findings of your alcoholic psychiatrist!

Once we reconfirm your information and endorse same appropriately, we shall provide you with all the privileged information/legal documents relating to the deceased customer and his term-deposit account and also will give you guidelines on how we intend to realize this goal without the breach of the law.

For further information, do not hesitate to contact us. We thank you for your attention and look forward to hearing from you shortly. Waiting for your reply,

I'm sure that you will know this letter is legitimate by my ability to articulate myself as a person of highest learning and supreme intelligence as well as my good spelling.

Yours Sincerely, Sergio Gonzales Garcia de Lorenzo

Partner. .of local Spanish con-artist.

Free Money!

Dear Honest Friend..My name is Waldo Niger of Cape Town nephew of illustrious and late Hoogo OObaby Hogoo.

It has come to my attention that you are honest reliable person one I can surely depend on to help me carry out this endeavor.

My rich uncle who is the only one who has access to all the money now locked in bank account in Nigeria left me note instructing me what to do in case of his untimely demise.

Sadly he is now deceased.

Curtains! Dead as a doornail! Gone! He bought the farm! Good riddance!


Anyway...after the tragic plane crash which killed all his family and staff not to mention his faithful donkey, it was found among his things which they were able to retrieve from bottom of ocean a letter addressed to me.

It so happened dear honest friend that after they all tragically died leaving me as the sole beneficiary to millions of US DOLLARS in account in Africa and it is because there was discovered an interesting and informative letter.

I will disclose its contents only because I can tell you are honest person I can trust.

(I knew you were honest person the moment I found your name on Yahoo address list.)


Anyway back to contents of letter found among his souvenirs...it read..

"Dear Waldo if you read this then it means I am dead. Please be advised that there sits now in BOA $789,000,000.00 in US DOLLARS which I laid aside in savings account for your education. I remember you telling me you want to be crocodile doctor to save crocodiles. All this money is for you to go to college in America. Remember I love you and take care of crocodiles as we know they are the wave of the future. Remember to take loving care of your family as I loved them dearly. Hugs your loving uncle Hoogo OObaby Hogoo."

The letter was soaked with his tears.

My dear honest friend I wept unashamedly when I read the loving tender words from my uncle now dead and lying in watery Atlantic grave. I still get tears when I remember how he loved us all.

It was always about others never about him.I'm trying to compose myself in order to continue my appeal to honest person which is YOU!

Please be advised that I sped on my faithful elephant to BOA to claim my college funds to save crocodiles and found the account cannot be accessed unless I find honest American with bank account in good standing to allow bank here to deposit the $789,000,000.00 into their account.

Wouldn't you know?

Please, I know you have good heart and are willing to see that I go to college in America which is my dream since growing up in Africa a poor neglected child.. Please send to me your bank account number and cell phone number so the bank manager here can begin immediately the honest transaction of the transfer of the $789,000,000.00 from BOA into your American bank account.

Then simply wait until I can get there and we can split the money 50/50. One small item remains we must do to get money from bank. In order to secure transaction I will need you to send IMMEDIATELY the sum of $10,000.00 to pay the costs the bank of Africa requires to transfer such a large sum of money from one country to the next. Simply send the money by wire to me and I will commence the dealing.

HUGS,

Waldo your friend and confidante.

Dear Waldo....On Saturday...check your email IMMEDIATELY!
Download file without fear!
Trust me I am honest person.
Hugs...
Your honest American friend now in prison
for crimes I did not commit!.

Cheating and Cheating on Me

Dear Dr Heartache........Here is the sad story....
Good-looking Kyle and drop dead gorgeous Meg met one day when Kyle was out shopping for new tires.
They immediately clicked!
Meg works at the tire store. Yes Kyle is married! Kyle said he could not help himself even though he loves his portly wife with a comfortable love.

He said that Meg offered excitement and adventure. It was a break from his monotonous marriage which was the same everyday.

He said his wife Kimberly had let herself go and was so fat he could hardly reach his arms around her anymore. He added that her breath always smelled like fried chicken and cold slaw!

He said she consumed eight chocolate eclairs a day along with a six pack of Coke.
On top of that she eats a huge bowl of cereal each night (Rice Crisps)loaded with bananas and strawberries, then washes it down with a large glass of chocolate milk.

Meg on the other hand is slim and trim from doing Pilate's and eating right. She completely cut out red meat from her meals.

Meg's husband had left her for another woman and her attitude was such that she didn't care what woman she hurt it wasn't her problem.

Her argument is that no one cared about her marriage so she will not care either. She said she was out for vengeance however she could administer it. Strangely she said that she had once been morbidly obese and this could be why Lonny left her. She lost the weight made herself drop dead gorgeous and set out to hurt men.

Whoever got in the way was simply roadkill to her. Yes she is out of her mind with thoughts of revenge. She adored her husband and doted on him, lived only for him now he left and she is a different person out to do damage.
Yes you guessed it I am Kimberly.
What shall I do Dr Heartache? I'm at a loss for a plan to get my no good husband back. Incidentally we have a few kids; ten to be exact.

Heartbroken and Humiliated in New Jersey

Dear Heartbroken and Humiliated,

Kimberly let me put this as clear as I can..why oh why
and I do ask why would you want a man who wants another woman?
Where is your sense of self respect? Your decency? Your honor? Your pride?
Your self-esteem? Your ability to think? Your desire to be human?
Have you lost your love of self?
You need to see a shrink immediately.
What can you do to get him back you ask?
Kimberly..Kimberly..Kimberly..
Wake up and face the cold hard facts of life.
But...he your shameless micro-mini-minded-moron poor excuse of a husband
is deserving of what he got, which is an equally shameless
micro-mini-minded moron of a poor excuse for awoman.
These two shameless losers cannot make this story up.
These two meeting is as common a happening as any tragedy of life.
Please get a grip on reality!
HE doesn't like you!
How can you like a man who doesn't like you?
It isn't even possible to do that.
Unless you are like Kyle and Meg which is shameless!
So you are definitely in some type of denial of what happened.
He left you for her so what does that tell you?
He drew you a picture in living color of what he thinks of you!
A picture of him without you!
He prefers her! Hard to fathom what some people do for "love"
but nevertheless it is true!
Go to a dating site immediately and meet an obese man!
Make sure he likes kids!
Hope this helped...

Nigeria and Burkino Faso Wealth Opportunity!

Dear Dr Heartache.....I Need Help....I see you receive letters from Nigerians in Burkino Faso asking for your assistance to relieve bank of Africa of millions, perhaps trillions of US Dollars.

The honest person asking or rather begging for your help is usually a Nigerian who asked for all information about you including your fingerprints and xrays plus.. any MRI findings.

Also send your cell phone number! IMMEDIATELY!

I hope you have Verizon because I do and our important calls concerning this fast money making scheme will be FREE!

Well...Dr Heartache I am NOT a Nigerian con-artist who has nothing to do but try to swindle greedy people over Internet.No no no!
In fact I am the donkey who somehow survived the plane crash in 2009 where all aboard were tragically killed.

Including my illustrious owner. May he RIP.

Moving right along...Among the dead was the owner of the account Cououor Pierre Waropuop whose interest in Nigerian Internet scams, which is a HOT issue you might be interested in, had mercy and left me the keys to solving locked up money in African banks.
.
He left precise instructions concerning the $900,000,000.000 and 14 cents in US Currency... that it must be withdrawn from bank in Burkino Faso IMMEDIATELY only by honest person who is an American with a bank account.

This would be you Dr Heartache! Don't be a fool and allow this opportunity to pass you by.

I hope you understand that I am honest person. But because of tragedy in my miserable life since childhood I can only hope you feel sorry for me and email... or mail me your bank account number so I many IMMEDIATELY instruct Bank of Burkino Faso in thriving city of Noiouepoiueuuiop, Africa to honor your name and bank account number and thereby deposit total sum of $900,000,000.00 US Currency and 14 cents into your American account.

IMMEDIATELY!

I am willing to let you keep 80% of money and I will only take the remaining 20% since I have not long to live due to my various ailments such as cancer and leukemia as well as full blown AIDS.. and another disease or two they have yet to identify.

I live in constant pain. I need medicine desperately not to mention I need to see dentist to keep my teeth from falling out as they are now dropping like flies from my mouth because of my profusely bleeding gums and bad breath.


Moving right along.....Dr Heartache...I plead you to be compassionate and allow me to be your partner in this rich transaction. Picture yourself on a beach in the South Seas basking on the beach while sipping an exotic drink and just relaxing while the world goes by. Or Cancun or even a safari in Africa to see all the exciting sights we have here.
Send all requested information IMMEDIATELY and I await with joy and expectation knowing you will not let this money making opportunity pass you by.

You are much too wise for that Dr Heartache!

Hugs,
Donkey of Burkino Faso

Dear Donkey of Burkino Faso..

I will send all the necessary information the Bank of Africa requested IMMEDIATELY!
Check your email tomorrow morning and see what is there!
It will be labeled TROJAN and WORM.
OPEN IMMEDIATELY!
HUGS!

I'm Madly In Love Again Dr Heartache!

Dear Dr Heartache.....I Need Help....

I don't know where to begin telling you my story of pain.
I am in so much anguish over Winston I can barely speak above a whisper since my throat is raw from sobbing and my eyes are swollen from crying.

Let me say this...I walk the floor every night and cannot sleep. Even sleep masks don't help. They become soaked with tears until I have to wring them out and hang them to dry over the bathtub.

Winston thrilled me with his love. Now he is gone!
Yes Dr Heartache he is gone. Winston has been "replaced" by a dead man.

I had to admit him to a psychiatric ward for treatment since he thinks he is Napoleon.

This is not funny Dr Heartache it is true he thinks he is Napoleon! I tried to tell him he is not but his doctor said that I must leave him to their care and treatment.
They put him on medication and locked him up in a small room after they put him in a strait jacket.

We were insanely happy for three years. Then one day out of nowhere he said to me as we were sitting watching Encore that he is not Winston but Napoleon.
I cannot describe my heartbreak at hearing this. I looked into his eyes and even though it looks like Winston he did resemble the photos I have seen of the French emperor.
What happened to my Winston? Can I ever get him back?
Bereft in Sacramento

Dear Bereft in Sacramento,

My advice to you is to allow the doctors to help him if that is even possible.
Anyone who thinks he is a dead person is seriously ill and could even be dangerous.
Not exactly husband material!
My advice to you is find a new love immediately!
I seriously doubt if Winston will miss you.. sad to say.
Hope this helps...
PS write me again if there is any improvement in Winston and I can give you other advice such as...oh well just write me...about Winston or rather Napoleon.

BURKINO FASO FUN!

Good day Dr Heartache....and compliments to you.

I am writing this letter in confidence believing that if it is the wish of God for you to help me and my family you will be obedient to God and send me all necessary information such as your bank account number IMMEDIATELY!.

God almighty will bless and reward you abundantly and you would never regret this. But in order to get his blessing you must help me! NOW!

I am a male student from University of... yes! you guessed it right...I am from Burkina Faso, the headquarters of Nigerian Internet con-artists.

My name is Foodie Ouagadougou. I am 28 yrs old.
I am responsible and fun loving as well as of superior intelligence worthy of all respect so this is why I appeal to you Dr Heartache for help as none can help me unless they are honest as you are.

I would like to build up a solid foundation with you in time coming if you can be able to help me in this transaction. Please!

Well, my dear father died and left me and my junior brother behind. He was a KING, which our town citizens titled him over sixteen years before his death ( for no apparent reason) but anyway....
I was a prince to him and I am the only person who can take care of his wealth now because my junior brother is still young and my mother is not literate enough to know my entire father's wealth. In truth my mum's IQ is .03

MY wonderful now dead father deposited the sum of United States Dollars $91,111,111,122,222,333,344,345.00 and an extra 350,000.00 and 14 cents as a family treasure in a Security Company in Malaysia. Greenbacks by the tons!
Yahoo!

This money was annually paid into my late fathers account from SHELL Petroleum Development Company (SPDC) and CHEVRON Oil Company operating in our locality for the compensation of youth and community development in our jurisdiction. Moving right along....

Now, I urgently need your humble assistance to go and clear the consignment money from the Security Company in Malaysia. Yahoo! I felt happy when I saw your contact because I strongly believe that you will help me invest this money wisely. I could just tell you are the type who can help me get this money fast!

I am ready willing and able to pay 99% of the total amount to you if you help me clear the consignment/fund from the security company and another 99% interest of Annual After Income to you,for handling this transaction for me and my ailing Mum, which you will strongly have absolute control over.

If you can handle this project sincerely and also willing to assist me in lifting this fund, kindly reach me by replying to this email. IMMEDIATELY!

Please, note that this transaction is 100% risk free and I hope to commence the transaction as quick as possible, I will send you my International Passport copy as soon as I hear from you and also provide you the contact of the security company in Malaysia. Contact via Donkey carts INC. Ask for Slinky.

Yours sincerely,

Mr. Keishaiopeni Windbag Wing nut.

Dear Mr Wing nut,
Yes I see that your offer is 100% risk free!
Goodbye!
Yahoo!

NIGERIAN APPEAL!

Dear Dr Heartache.....I Need Help....

Please...I manager of illustrious bank of Congo in Burkino Faso, home of the award winning alligators.
Remember the videos of them eating rhinoceroses and it was shown on C SPAN?

Please...I know this seem like unlikely case..but please at least hear me out...I am sick..so sick, I have been diagnosed by local witch doctor to be possessed by jungle devils who roam the land at night while the pillagers..er I mean the villagers sleep.

Please...I also am blind and deaf not to mention I was raised a sad orphan rejected by both parents who joined the jungle circus to avoid raising me to be productive member of village on the outskirts of Burkino Faso. I cannot even afford donkey to ride to doctor. I must walk bent over in excruciating pain to beg for medicine and pain relievers.
(To this day I have received nothing from them to relieve my distress)

I grew up in orphanage run by child abusers who beat me daily. They fed us one meal a day which consisted of porridge made from dried bug infested leaves.
For drink we had swamp water.

I also suffer from arthritis and rheumatism along with under active thyroid.
I am also morbidly obese!
I'M DYING!
I cannot afford medicine at this time due to all money locked in account belonging to my only friend in world....when he and all my family and friends along with all my neighbors were tragically reported missing after boarding plane for Monaco to have a late dinner with locals.

I have ingrown toenails, wax filled ears, dandruff, psoriasis, and have difficulty bending over to tie my far away shoes. I wish I could afford Velcro, but alas it is only available in America where everyone is rich and famous....sigh....oh America land of Levis, t-shirts and burgers & fries, videos, and lots of other fun stuff to do!

Please Dr Heartache...contact me ASAP with your bank account number so manager of bank can transfer all abandoned funds into your account there in America.
I PROMISE on the authority of the orphanage that raised me I will give you 40% of all funds IMMEDIATELY!

TEDDY BEAR HUGS and lots of luck,
Hoping to hear from you immediately!
Sad orphaned lonely con artist of Burkino Faso.

Dear sad orphaned lonely con artist of Burkino Faso,

Please...I send all information in the year 2019 as soon as I can get to it. I wish I could do it sooner but am pressed for time and must put you on back burner until then..
Hope you understand...