Useful Idiot Gets Used!

(I may edit what emails I receive in my inbox. Names changed not to protect the guilty, but for fun)
Dear Dear one...My name is Princess Ileana Mae of the beautiful land of jungle and coconuts; the kingdom of Bassoon Congo of Nigeria.

I beg you to hear me out as I desperately need your assistance concerning an outrageous sum of money now available for me and you to spend as we wish. I only hope that you are dishonest and utterly desperate for money, or I will not be able to use you in my money making scheme.

This recurring nightmare fell on my life when I learned that my dear adoring husband Willy, the love of my life "fell in love" with another woman. Her name is Jezebel. I detest her, and utterly loathe and despise her for taking away my Willy. But anyway.....

I suspected they had something going when I saw how he looked at her at our last kingdom picnic. His eyes were overflowing with "love" for this...this...this...this..home wrecker.
She is, of course a shameless hussy whose lust for married men knows no bounds. They kissed right in front of everyone at the kingdom picnic. I was humiliated beyond belief...................yawn.....anyway....

Before he divorced me on grounds of being "in love" with his shameless hussy, he forgot (Yes!) to withdraw the $100,000,000.00 (One hundred-million dollars) from our joint bank account. Now that the divorce is final, it appears he is now disqualified from ever, as long as he lives, (Yes!) to have a share or part in the money we without conscience accumulated from the outrageous taxes we collected by force from hard working villagers and peasants....and of course the handicapped.

In his lust for the shameless hussy he signed away all his rights. He realized it too late. The judge which heard our unusual case said that his signature is enough proof to bar him forever from any of the $100,000,000.00 US dollars.

His shameless hussy wife now wants to divorce him since she learned that he is merely now a penniless lust-filled moron. Instead of the useful idiot he was.

All I need you to do is email me IMMEDIATELY! I am not well and who knows how long I will last in this condition losing the love of my life to a hussy.


Give me the necessary information such as the name of your bank, your bank account number, your legal name along with your DL number and SSA number with your passport. Also if possible attach an example of your signature.

Thank you for having mercy on poor heartbroken me.
Princess
Ileana Mae
Heartbroken princess of Bassoon Congo of Nigeria.

Dear Heartbroken princess from wherever..
Sorry....but Dr Heartache is on vacation in Hawaii.
She won't be back for three weeks.
Try later....

Africa

Dear Dr Heartache....sigh what shall I do?
Dear Chosen One aka Potential Victim.

I am the auditing and accounting manager (B.O.A) here in Ouagadougou , Burkina Faso . Yes the disgustingly rich Bank of Africa. My name is Bongo Drums and I really live in NY.

In my department I discovered an abandoned sum of US $100.5m dollars (one-hundred million five hundred thousand us dollars) in an account that belongs to one of our foreign customers (Mr Tom Smithereens from Texas USA) who died along with his entire family in 1999 in a plane crash.

Since I got information about his untimely death, the bank have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless some body applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased customer as indicated in our banking guidelines and laws.

But unfortunately we learn that all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim.

It is therefore upon this discovery that I now decided to make this business proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased customer for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and I don't want this money to go into the bank treasury as unclaimed bill.

All you have to do is lie to the authorities and pretend you are someone you are not. Yes, it is that simple.

I will help arrange for your phony identification so we can claim this money he left behind.

The banking law and guideline here stipulates that if such money remained unclaimed after ten years, the money will be transferred into the bank treasury as unclaimed fund.

The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and a Murkiness cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner.

I agree that 90% of this money will be for you as a respect to the provision of a foreign account, 5% will be set aside for expenses incurred during the business and 5% would be for me.

I will send to you by fax or email the text of application form. I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is hitch-free and that you should not entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made by me.

And I'm sure you will have no problem trusting a complete stranger with millions of dollars that does not belong to him, if such money exists,which it does.

Remember the key word is LIE.

My regards to you and the family.
Mr Obunga Tonga

Weary of Nigerian crooks in Stockton, California

Dear Weary in California,

This will be my last response to Nigerian email scam letters.
Here is my answer to your problem...
Get a life!

Dear One

Dear Dr Heartache....I'm wondering....should I feel guilty for using Nigerian email letters to blog just so I can laugh?

Here is another example of the nerve of some people who all live in Africa, whose families have all died in plane crashes with they being the only survivor. They all discovered outrageous bank accounts left that they cannot access unless they can find a dishonest American to "assist" them in their "urgent business problem".

Dearest one, Good day and compliments of the seasons. I am Mrs. Florence Decca an aging widow of 89 years old suffering from long time illness. My ailments are too numerous to mention here. Let me just say that I am near death. My disease is so rare not even the doctor can figure out what it is. He said I will be dead by sunrise, so it is important you email me back IMMEDIATELY!

The loss of my adoring husband has shattered my dreams and laid waste my once happy and blissful existence. Nothing is left of my life but a big greasy smear. Anyway moving right along..... I could not even be able to write you this email.

If not for the assistance of my only son nine- year old dear kind-hearted Rocko that I am able write you this email. (I had him when I was eighty)

He is taking dictation as I lie here bleeding and writhing in anguish and pain on my cot. I speak between gasps.

He is weeping uncontrollably as he struggles to write what I say to you, my dear only hope.

I have some funds (cough cough) I inherited from my late husband Oloolio, the sum of $70,500,000.00 and I needed you being a very honest and God fearing person to receive this money in your American bank account for the well-being of the poor in your country or else where in the world.

I found you as a person that can be trusted and I decided to contact you if you may be willing and interested to handle these fund project before anything happens to me.

Judging from your Dear Dr Heartache blog I can see you are seriously dedicated to the cause of absurdity and humor and just plain nonsense.

But if just for this once you can find it in your heart to be seriously concerned about someone other than yourself (no offense intended) I am in need of assistance which is a matter of life or death. I am desperately in need of immediate help. I have summoned up raw old-fashioned courage to contact you for this project.

I understand you care deeply about people and walruses ( I being of the former species) and this is why I have chosen you to be the recipient of funds that will be graciously given to you IF you assist me in getting them out of bank in Nigeria.

Please, please, please, please, please, please, I beg.... I plead, I beseech, I implore, I appeal to any compassion that might be within your blogging heart if you would be able to use the funds as I directed you herein let me know immediately in your reply e-mail for further details and directives on how you will invest for my son and assist him to come over to meet you in your country to further his education.

Any delays in your replying will give me room to look for another person (IF I live) to handle this all- important task on my behalf. If I survive another day. My doctor said he sees death on my once lighted brow.

Don't forget I am near death. I can see it now. It is walking toward me. It is dressed in a skeleton costume. Hmm..or is that a costume???

Please answer now! Immediately! Help my poor son about to be motherless and alone in this cruel world.
Warmest Regards, From your beloved sister, Florence Decca and son Ubannaoo. ONE WITH LOVE AND BEST WISHES!!! Dying Woman

Weary of pleas in the Rockies,
Dear Weary of Pleas in the Rockies,
I suggest you quit opening these emails!
Should you feel guilty?
Guilty for what?
Remember the Bible says that laughter does good like a medicine.
Go hiking in the snow.