NIGERIAN APPEAL!

Dear Dr Heartache.....I Need Help....

Please...I manager of illustrious bank of Congo in Burkino Faso, home of the award winning alligators.
Remember the videos of them eating rhinoceroses and it was shown on C SPAN?

Please...I know this seem like unlikely case..but please at least hear me out...I am sick..so sick, I have been diagnosed by local witch doctor to be possessed by jungle devils who roam the land at night while the pillagers..er I mean the villagers sleep.

Please...I also am blind and deaf not to mention I was raised a sad orphan rejected by both parents who joined the jungle circus to avoid raising me to be productive member of village on the outskirts of Burkino Faso. I cannot even afford donkey to ride to doctor. I must walk bent over in excruciating pain to beg for medicine and pain relievers.
(To this day I have received nothing from them to relieve my distress)

I grew up in orphanage run by child abusers who beat me daily. They fed us one meal a day which consisted of porridge made from dried bug infested leaves.
For drink we had swamp water.

I also suffer from arthritis and rheumatism along with under active thyroid.
I am also morbidly obese!
I'M DYING!
I cannot afford medicine at this time due to all money locked in account belonging to my only friend in world....when he and all my family and friends along with all my neighbors were tragically reported missing after boarding plane for Monaco to have a late dinner with locals.

I have ingrown toenails, wax filled ears, dandruff, psoriasis, and have difficulty bending over to tie my far away shoes. I wish I could afford Velcro, but alas it is only available in America where everyone is rich and famous....sigh....oh America land of Levis, t-shirts and burgers & fries, videos, and lots of other fun stuff to do!

Please Dr Heartache...contact me ASAP with your bank account number so manager of bank can transfer all abandoned funds into your account there in America.
I PROMISE on the authority of the orphanage that raised me I will give you 40% of all funds IMMEDIATELY!

TEDDY BEAR HUGS and lots of luck,
Hoping to hear from you immediately!
Sad orphaned lonely con artist of Burkino Faso.

Dear sad orphaned lonely con artist of Burkino Faso,

Please...I send all information in the year 2019 as soon as I can get to it. I wish I could do it sooner but am pressed for time and must put you on back burner until then..
Hope you understand...

Shameless Scammers

Dear Dr Heartache.....I Need Help....from you so here it the scoop!


FROM THE DESK OF MR.WALLACE RUSH aka Walrus face . BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER. IN FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT BANK OF AFRICA (B.O.A), OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO .

DEAR FRIEND, HOW ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR FAMILY? HOPE FINE, PLEASE PAY ATTENTION AND UNDERSTAND MY REASON OF CONTACTING YOU TODAY THROUGH THIS EMAIL ADDRESS, MY NAME IS MR WALLACE RUSH aka Walrus face, BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER IN BANK OF AFRICA OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA-FASO,

IN MY DEPARTMENT, DURING THE AUDITING OF THE YEAR 2009, I DISCOVERED AN ABOUNDED SUM OF $15 MILLION U.S DOLLARS THAT BELONGS TO OUR LATE DECEASED CUSTOMER FROM LENBANESE (MR CHRISTIAN EICH 57 AN ENGINEER WHO RAN CARMAKER BMW'S MUSEUM HIS WIFE,TWO CHILDREN AND WIFE 'S PARENTS WERE ALSO AMONG THE VICTIMS) ON Monday, 31 July, 2000, 13:22 GMT 14:22 UK IN A (Yes you guessed it!) PLANE CRASH.




I URGENTLY NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE TO SECURE AND MOVE THIS HUGE SUM OF MONEY LEFT BEHIND BY MY LATE CLIENT TO THE SNAPPY TUNE OF $15 MILLION U.S DOLLARS OUT OF AFRICA OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO TO YOUR OWN OVER DRAFTED ACCOUNT. SOUND GOOD! YOU BETCHA IT DOES!

HE EXECUTED CONTRACT THROUGH DEPARTMENT OF WORK AND HOUSING HERE IN OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA-FASO AND THE MENTIONED MONEY ABOVE IS HIS MONEY LEFT IN OUR BANK BEFORE HIS DEATH.

He also left his donkey which will go with the lucky one who allows me to transfer huge sum of money into their American bank account.

MEANWHILE, FOR YOUR SMOOTHNESS OF THIS TRANSACTION, I WILL PAY YOU 2% OF THE TOTAL SUM FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION IN THIS MATTER ALONG WITH THE EXPENSES FROM YOUR SIDE, IF YOU ARE INTERESTED AND CAPABLE TO HANDLE THIS FABULOUS TRANSACTION, COME UP WITH THE INFORMATION'S SHOWED BELOW:-

1. YOUR FULL NAME:
and any aliases and aka's or former husband's names you went by.

2. YOUR CONTACT CELL PHONE NUMBER and your land line and car phone and all your email addresses. Yes and the passwords!

3. YOUR AGE:

( Since you're a woman this is optional out of consideration in case you do not state truthful age.)

4. YOUR PET PEEVES:

5. YOUR OCCUPATIONS:

6. YOUR COUNTRY AND CITY or village or hamlet, tepee or cave.

7. YOUR ACCOUNT INFORMATION'S AND PASSWORD:

8. YOUR RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS:

9. YOUR COMPANY NAME:

10. A COPY OF YOUR PHOTOGRAPH ALONG WITH YOUR FINGERPRINTS:

11. YOUR FAVORITE TELEVISION PROGRAM
12. YOUR FAVORITE NEWSCASTER (if it is Don Lemmon all bets are off!)

Please do not I repeat do NOT cell phone pics they don't come out as good.

AS SOON AS ALL THESE INFORMATION'S ARE SUBMITTED TO ME, I WILL IMMEDIATELY WITHOUT DELAY DRAFT AN APPLICATION FORM, FILL IT WITH ALL YOUR INFORMATION AND SEND BACK TO YOU, SO THAT YOU WILL PROCEED WITH THE TRANSACTION BY SENDING THE FORM TO (BOA) (CONSTRICTOR) BANK OF AFRICA FOR THE TRANSFERRING OF THIS FUND INTO YOUR ACCOUNT.

HUGS,
MR.Wallace Rush (aka Walrus face and all around Internet con artist))

Dear Walrus,
I'll get right on it!
Expect to hear from me IMMEDIATELY!!!

Nigerian Email Scams!

Dear Dr Heartache.....I Need Help....true story below...

RE: UNPAID CONTRACT /INHERITANCE FUNDS – WHY YOU HAVE NOT SUCCEEDED.

Dear godless atheist Beneficiary Janie enclosed find color photo the psychiatrist had taken of the results of your IQ test.

Anyway...after waiting to hear from you or your Nigeria partners for a long time now, I decided to make this direct approach to you in other not to let it be as if I have anything in mind against you.

I do not know if you have asked yourself why each time the release of this fund is approved, all of sudden, the payment will be stopped or one problem or the other will come up.
If you have not asked this question or you do not know, this is an opportunity for me to tell you.

Here in Nigeria we are known for our honesty and integrity! Not to mention the billions of unclaimed funds left by all the people killed in plane crashes...anyway

Some time ago, your Nigerian enemy and scam artist aka Nigerian schmuck... I mean the people that introduced you to the project approached me through my homely obese wife who works with the federal Ministry of Finance and requested me to assist them conclude a money transfer deal they had with you.

They shamelessly requested me to assist them by removing the original contractor/ next of kin name, company’s name and bank particulars from Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) aka Bankrupt International Financing of Nigeria Vetting and replacing them with your name and your bank details in order to make you appear as the rightful beneficiary of this funds.

I agreed on conditions that they would pay me IMMEDIATELY United States $900,000,oo as soon as your name appears as the beneficiary. I did as agreed and demanded to be paid but your friends started telling me tales of piracy on the high seas.

I don't get it how this piracy on treacherous waters is in any way connected to Nigerian email scams but anyway...

They even told me that you promised to send money to me, do you know that up till now, I have not received a single cent from them OR you....and have not set my eyes on any of them.
I'm devastated! I ham so depressed I haven't bathed for nine days!

Based on their attitude, I decided to stop the funds release movement because I cannot be denied of my right in my own office considering the risk as it might affect my mediocre job. My eighty year old mistress will dump me if I don't get money to her asap! It's not like she has time to kill!

Secondly, I know the source of the funds that you did not execute any contract or inherit any funds here in Nigeria, although I am the only person privileged to know this information and it is a fact.

Why I am making this clear to you is that I can see that you are still making efforts in order to conclude this project. Like other Nigerian emailers I am a con artist looking to make a fast buck off gullible greedy people who think they can get rich by sending their bank account numbers to strangers on the Internet.

Now I am ready to forget the past. Yutz that I am I do know how to forgive and forget. I forgive your negligence.

I do not need the US $300,000.00 any longer from you but a good compensation from your godless mind. I need your assurance that your felon colleagues will be totally kept out of this transaction. And your honest colleagues as well must be in the dark concerning this scam.

I know that none of them is aware of my new approach to you Stop spending your money unnecessarily to CBN Officers both here and overseas because you will not receive this money without my sly slippery conniving hand in it.

I personally did the work at the beginning and only I can successfully perform it. The secret is that your partners failed to stamp duty your contract documents.

Finally, I need your promise that no official of the Central Bank of Nigeria will be aware of my involvement in this regard because of my high and exalted position. Now I re-assure you as one schmuck to another that you will be willing to compensate me.

That you will assist my wife to establish a foreign account in your country where my compensation will be lodged. Also a Scam FUND RELEASE APPROVALS DOCUMENTS will be sent to you for endorsement after which I will remit the money within 48 hours.

I am a yutz yes, but I am a man of my words, if you are ready to conclude this business with me, kindly contact me on my Wal-mart mobile phone: 234-80639-489-00 so that we can have a serious chat over this issue once and for all.

Please do not call collect like last time!!!

But if the reverse is the case, do not bother yourself to reach me and forget about this money.

Regards,

Mr.Bongos Schmuck Weasel

Payment Control Unit of Nigeria and surrounding villages.

Love and hugs, Bongos in Nigeria

Dear Bongos Weasel in Nigeria,
Hmmm....

How Can She Go On?

Dear Dr Heartache.....We Need Help for our heartbroken friend.

Rachel met Justin one year ago and they supposedly fell in love. From the start they seemed so made for each other, so radiantly and blissfully happy. They were inseparable to the point that when you saw Rachel you saw Justin.

She changed her whole life for him. It seemed she adjusted her views on life just to please him. He seemed to have done the same because all the things he used to do such as go fishing or night party out with his friends all stopped so he could please her.

His thinking went into reverse and hers also, they seemed to live only to please each other.
Now he has dumped her and given no reason why except he must "move on" and she needs to "get on too".

Dr Heartache what could have happened to this once happy couple? Justin did say he just isn't ready for commitment as far as marriage is concerned and needs to be free to feel and do as he wants.

What can we do if anything to help Rachel "get on too"? Justin seems to be moving on just fine and last night we saw him with another woman on his arm.
Rachel has slipped into a sort of depression not wanting to eat and even refusing to care about her appearance. It seems she doesn't understand what is really happening. The truth is He broke it off and she just can't seem to accept it.

Concerned for our friend Rachel in Nebraska.



Dear Concerned for Rachel in Nebraska,

Rachel seems to be living in a make-belief world where everything is perfect all the time.
Justin is not in love where he wants to marry. Simple to understand.
Because things didn't continue perfectly in her world of Justin and her, she now refuses to eat and live life as it should be lived which is to be happy?
Rachel needs to wake up to reality and realize that within this world are some real heart breakers. Like Justin for instance.
Tell Rachel to look at this square in the face and see Justin for what he is which is a man who doesn't love her.
Is this what she wants for a provider and protector?
A man who doesn't love her?

The laws of love and life did her a favor and discarded this man from her life.
Those same laws also did him a favor and discarded her from his life.
In a word tell Rachel to get over it and stand up and face life with a smile.
You can't make someone love you and who would want to anyway?
Rachel needs to realize that the chemistry for love
simply was not there and that their breakup is just the result of the laws of love.
These things happen everyday and anyone can rise above this by simply wanting to.
Also tell her to quit placing so much importance on men instead of on the plain facts of life.
What law says we have to reverse our thinking and adjust our attitudes to please our love interest?
People need to be themselves and respect the others individuality.
Changing to please the other could be the reason it blew up in their faces.
Two little wound up soldiers marching to the others expectations is just plain nuts.
Tell Rachel if she falls in love again to be herself and if the guy don't like it he could move on and get over it.
Hope this helps...













But in the real world the only world the one we live in everyday and she needs to live in the real world.

Mexicans Make Me Sick!

Dear Dr Heartache.....I Need Help... .Everywhere I go I see dirty filthy Mexicans.

I go shopping and there they are in stores letting their crazy little kids run loose in the store while they rattle off in Spanish.

I go to a fast food and there they are working and who knows if they wash their hands.

I see them everywhere and quite frankly I think they need to go home or go to jail.

They think this land is theirs when we got it fair and square!

They have no respect for the American flag and protest against us in our own country!

Dear Dr Heartache why do they have to be here and why should I have to put up with it?

Mexican hater in California!

Dear Mexican hater in California,

Sounds like you just hate period. Ever thought of loving people simply because God made them?
Hating hurts it doesn't heal and it leads to worse things so better get rid of it now.

By the way would you go pick the crops and make sure all those apples and peaches get picked and boxed? How about the chili?
Would you bring in the lettuce? How about the corn? All that food you see in the supermarkets someone put it there.

It did not appear there of its own accord. Someone had to go into those fields and pick those beans and cucumbers and tomatoes. I could go on naming fruits and vegetables.
They do what many won't do and if they did not who would bring in the crops?

Learn to be tolerant of all God's creatures after all he is tolerant of you.
PS there are 22 Latin American countries and not everyone is from Mexico.
Hope this helped....

Email Request For Humor

Dear Dr Heartache.....I Need Help....I find your name on Find Anyone Anywhere Free! Thank you Google! I understand you can help me concerning this urgent important matter now pressing me.

My name (at the moment) is MRS.JULIET KADIOGO.

I am the assistant manager of the bill and exchange department of Society General of Banks in Burkina (SGBB) I live here in the capital city of Burkina Faso.

In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of US$10.5M(TEN MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND US DOLLARS) so therefore,I need your assistant if you are interested and you should get back to me. IMMEDIATELY!

Also my long time companion Hugo has left me for a beastly looking woman with a low IQ. She rides a donkey to the grocery store and never bathes or plucks her eyebrows.

I can understand not taking a bath for weeks and riding a donkey to grocery store. But to not pluck eyebrows is inexcusable!!

What should I do? I weep from heartbreak as I write send this email.

Should I wait maybe he come back to me? Should I try though difficult to forget him?
Please help me with both matters IMMEDIATELY!

If I do not hear from you IMMEDIATELY concerning this URGENT matter so we can share the enormous amount of money now sitting unclaimed in bank that I have discovered by chance
I will have to take drastic measures to remove money from bank.

Don't be a foolish woman Dr Heartache. You can be very wealthy if you do as I instruct you!

Send your bank account number IMMEDIATELY so I can alert the bank manager that I have discovered someone honest who will allow the money to be deposited into her account there in America land of the free and home of the brave.
Home of lady liberty the torch bearer.

As I said Dr Heartache don't be a fool and let this opportunity pass you by.

Truly Yours, MRS. JULIET KADIOGO (SGBB).

Dear Mrs Juliet Kadiogo,

Hmm...well...so it is the old email money abandoned in bank in Burkino Faso con game huh?

What? No relatives died in a plane crash? What? No one is dying and needs the money IMMEDIATELY?

What do you do "Mrs Juliet Kadiogo" sit at a computer in a messy room drinking beer while you send out emails lying with forked tongue, or rather forked keyboard to bilk innocent people out of their hard earned money?
I will tell you what I will do.
You must follow my instructions EXACTLY as I say and you must do it IMMEDIATELY.
First go to any online IQ testing site and take the test and get back to me IMMEDIATELY!
As soon as you give me the results of test we will continue.....

PS about Hugo.... if he has left you for a beastly woman who rides a donkey to store, who has gone weeks without bathing and never plucks her eyebrows, what does this say about you Missy?

My advice is to let her have him. Perhaps he likes women with hairy eyes.