Thursday, July 22, 2010

Please Help Me!!

Dear Dr Heartache.....I'm Desperate..and I do mean desperate.....why else would I send out ridiculous emails. 

Dearly Beloved,

Please read this slowly and carefully, relax and perhaps lie down and turn off all distractions such as the television, radio, cell phone, make the house quiet as a mouse and read this letter as it may be one of the most important emails you ever get. 

I am Mrs Esther Samson. I was married to Late Eric Samson. He used to work with Shell Petroleum Development Company London and was also a seasoned contractor in the West African Region.

He died on Monday,31 July, 2003 in Paris. (Arsenic poisoning found in his morning orange juice)
We were married for eight years without a child. We tried and tried but failed and failed and finally gave up. We decided to adopt then decided against it because the kids we saw were too bratty and the babies cried too much so we decided to go it alone without kids in our life. We did however buy dogs and cats, a penguin we visit yearly and a walrus and an elephant are our current pets. The penguin's name is Chill-boy..and why not he is a penguin.

Anyway as I was saying....After my beloved husband's untimely, mysterious, suspicious, ghastly, and violent poisoning death (From the orange juice) I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home. Really who would want to be married to a woman whose last four husbands died from poisoned orange juice they had for breakfast?

I remember the orange juice! I squeezed it myself in the juicer that morning....but how the poison got there is what is suspicious and mysterious. Strangely and mysterious...the police cannot figure it out. How the poison got in his orange juice from the juicer to the table where he sat is the mystery they are desperately trying to solve. Obviously sometime and somehow from the juicer to the table the poison was placed into his juice. When he drank it he fell over and died. I hope they can figure this out.

They have eliminated me as a suspect because I was out getting his morning paper when the poison was put in his orange juice. I can prove this by my neighbor Miranda Pigg. She saw me picking up the paper at exactly 6:30 AM...and my dear husband drank the poison at the exact time I was outside. I told the police that I had been outside for a few minutes before Miranda saw me. He carried his own orange juice. I left it in the juicer and told him I had to go get him the newspaper so would he serve his orange juice. He said yes and during the time he walked from the juicer to the breakfast able the arsenic appeared in his juice. Strange but true. Could it have been a suicide? The police suspect it could have been since I was outside fetching his morning paper as I did in mornings past.

The police are investigating this mysterious happening even right now as I type this urgent email to you a trusted and interested client (I hope!)

However I did meet a real cute guy at MatchMeWithMyTorridLoveRightNow, org.
He is morbidly obese and poor as a church mouse but hey no one is perfect!

Back to urgent matter.....When my late husband was alive,he deposited the sum of GBP 5.2 Million in a bank in London,which is now wasting and languishing there. I am languishing also to get my hands on that money! I want it so much I could taste it! I hunger for that cash!

This is where you come in!

My Doctor told me that I would not last long due to my complicated health issues,I have cancer and diabetes, high blood pressure, brain tumors and severe acne! I am also deaf and mute not to mention I need a pedicure. I haven't had one since 1986.

Having known my condition I decided to donate this funds to better the lives of the less privileged.  Might as well give it away since I will die soon. 

I need an honest and trust worthy individual that will utilize this money in accordance with my instruction. I want the funds to be used in funding religious organizations,orphanages and less privileged ropagating the word of God.
I trust you to take these millions and give them to churches and orphanages after I drop dead and buy the farm.

I took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husband's relatives are very unkind to me ( I hate them too!)  They insist that I posioned my husband and do not believe the neighbor that I was, in fact, out getting the morning paper when the arsenic was put in his orange juice.

so on and so forth...and I don't want my husband's hard earned money to be misused. 

I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. Hell?
I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Yeah right! As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Bank,and my Attorney in London.

For legitimacy,he will also issue you a letter of authorization that will empower you as the original-beneficiary of this fund. Please offer him a glass of orange juice after you sign the necessary documents. Just a friendly gesture of thanks for his help. If you know what I mean.

I will like you to provide me with your information so that I can
forward it to my attorney so that he will start processing of your
transfer into your account. So I will like you to send this
information below.

1)    Full name
2)    Age and marital status.
3)    Banking information
4)    Mobile number and occupation
5)    And your home address.
6.) Picture ID 
7. )Passport copy

With all this I will forward it to my attorney
who will help you because my health condition is not sound..namely my mind!

I want you to always pray for me, please I beg I beg...Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for another individual for this same purpose. I beg do not let me down...I am shamelessly desperate...(Obviously)

If you are not interested,kindly pardon me for contacting you. I beg you! You can reach me with my alternate email address which I seem to have forgotten at the moment...anyway....I beg you! I have so many emails it is had to keep up much less remember all the passwords such as key and like and too and so on.
Contact me through the love match site and just look for Esther and Lardolovebirds

Thanks,
Yours sincerely,
MRS ESTHER Samson
Orange Juice arsenic murderess
(please disregard last line it was in jest)