Dear Beneficiary aka Dr Heartache,

This is to bring to your notice that because of the impossibility of your fund transfer through the Western Union network, we have credited your total of $5.5 million valid fund into an ATM MASTER CARD.

And guess what? I have paid the re-activation fee and the delivery of the ATM Card To you! A samming grand total of $13,299.00 US Dollars.

I paid it, not only because I am a moron, but because the ATM Card worth of $5.5 million which I have registered it delivery yesterday has less than Seven (7) days to expire in the custody of the FedEx Company.

And guess what? Yes, when it expires, the money will go into Federal Government treasury account.
With that we decided to help you pay off the money so that the ATM Card will not expire.

Know why? Because I trust that when you receive your ATM Card definitely you must pay me back my money and even compensate me for helping you.

Now I want you to contact FedEx Express at:fedexpressonline@turk.zz with your physical address. That's right if you desire the delivery to be made so that they can deliver your ATM Card to your designated address without any delay.

Right to your door! He will be driving a old green 1988 Ford.

Like I stated earlier, the crediting re-activation, delivery and the company registration charges has been paid by yours truly!.

However, therefore and heretofore, and forevermore, we did not pay their official keeping fees since they refused.

They refused thereby, hereby and hitherto fore, and the reason is that they do not know when you are going to contact them and the demur rage might have increased by then.

Consequently, and as a result of this, they told me that their keeping fees is $25 per day only so I deposited it yesterday 21st of May 2010:

Below is the Contact Information of the FedEx, Express Customer Service Director Mr. Kelly Hall, Email Address online:fedexexpressonline@turk.zz Tel: +339 981-4358.


Contact them today and also send them the security official keeping charge to avoid increase of their fees and let me know once you receive your ATM card.

Important Notice, your ATM CARD package was registered as a gift so that the diplomatic Agent will not know the content of your package okay.

Yours Sincerely,
Mrs. Robin Wren Meadowlark.

Dear Robin Wren Meadowlark,
I live on Mars!
Just follow the Milky Way (It is only 100,000 light years across) until you see a sign pointing to my house.
I might not be home because I am going to visit my cousin on Sirius.
Write me later for further instructions concerning my address.
Toodles!

PLEASE HURRY and RESPOND!

My Dear Little Internet Prey....Hello...and how are you today?

We are not sure you received our previous letter wherein we expressed our grave concerns about an estate of a member of your family linage who died intestate. He died of full blown AIDS and infected liver disease along with other diseases not previously known to medial science.His brain was swollen with tumors.

Anyway...as stated in our previous letter, the bank is at the verge of closing the account of high value which is now dormant belonging apparently to one of your family members who reportedly died tragically five years ago leaving behind a substantial amount of money in a bank account here in Spain.

In view of the above, we have been retained to administer the estate and would like to discuss certain privileged information with you accordingly because you have been identified and located as an only suitable heir apparent to the estate since you share the last name of the deceased.

Luckily we were searching the Yahoo directory for similar name and found your name and photo. By the way you are incredibly gorgeous beyond belief!

Anyway....we would respectfully request that you treat the content of this letter as privileged and respect the integrity of the information you come by as a result of this correspondence. In other words treat it as gold itself!

It might interest you to know that every year in Spain billions of people and animals and insects (especially foreigners) die without leaving a will thereby forfeiting so much money to the government as unclaimed estate.

There is a time limit at the discretion of the Treasury Department when claiming such inheritance hence the need to act swiftly to reconcile this account.

Hop to it!

Call me IMMEDIATELY! Well?

In a recent news report, "there is currently more than $900,000 trillion in unclaimed US DOLLARS..in Spain and Portugal and Puerto Rico and all the towns in South America as well as in the Arctic not to mention Libya."

Listen..and with the total of unclaimed money rising faster than people claiming the funds, it is projected that in the year 4090 there could be as much as $400,000 quadrillion of unclaimed dough.

Aging population is adding more significantly to this number. This is what prompted us to locate you even though we we learned you are ageless in your beauty and intelligence.

We legally empower you to claim the estate before it becomes too late.

Call me IMMEDIATELY! Before you die of old age! I'm not young myself so call me immediately before I die of being decrepit and dilapidated! Not to mention GREEDY!

I was just diagnosed by Doctor Sawbones with several diseases one being full blown AIDS!
In compliance with standard requirements of the federal disclosure and privacy laws which prohibit us from revealing certain privileged information without due process, we intentionally left out certain information which we deemed proprietary at this point and to enable us double-check our record and ensure that you are indeed the addressee of this letter.

We only need you to reconfirm unimportant things such as providing us with your full names, aka's, aliases,... (no initials please); your date of birth; your current occupation; contact address, boyfriend's address, and your telephone/fax numbers.

Also Please send results of MRI. And the recent findings of your alcoholic psychiatrist!

Once we reconfirm your information and endorse same appropriately, we shall provide you with all the privileged information/legal documents relating to the deceased customer and his term-deposit account and also will give you guidelines on how we intend to realize this goal without the breach of the law.

For further information, do not hesitate to contact us. We thank you for your attention and look forward to hearing from you shortly. Waiting for your reply,

I'm sure that you will know this letter is legitimate by my ability to articulate myself as a person of highest learning and supreme intelligence as well as my good spelling.

Yours Sincerely, Sergio Gonzales Garcia de Lorenzo

Partner. .of local Spanish con-artist.

Free Money!

Dear Honest Friend..My name is Waldo Niger of Cape Town nephew of illustrious and late Hoogo OObaby Hogoo.

It has come to my attention that you are honest reliable person one I can surely depend on to help me carry out this endeavor.

My rich uncle who is the only one who has access to all the money now locked in bank account in Nigeria left me note instructing me what to do in case of his untimely demise.

Sadly he is now deceased.

Curtains! Dead as a doornail! Gone! He bought the farm! Good riddance!


Anyway...after the tragic plane crash which killed all his family and staff not to mention his faithful donkey, it was found among his things which they were able to retrieve from bottom of ocean a letter addressed to me.

It so happened dear honest friend that after they all tragically died leaving me as the sole beneficiary to millions of US DOLLARS in account in Africa and it is because there was discovered an interesting and informative letter.

I will disclose its contents only because I can tell you are honest person I can trust.

(I knew you were honest person the moment I found your name on Yahoo address list.)


Anyway back to contents of letter found among his souvenirs...it read..

"Dear Waldo if you read this then it means I am dead. Please be advised that there sits now in BOA $789,000,000.00 in US DOLLARS which I laid aside in savings account for your education. I remember you telling me you want to be crocodile doctor to save crocodiles. All this money is for you to go to college in America. Remember I love you and take care of crocodiles as we know they are the wave of the future. Remember to take loving care of your family as I loved them dearly. Hugs your loving uncle Hoogo OObaby Hogoo."

The letter was soaked with his tears.

My dear honest friend I wept unashamedly when I read the loving tender words from my uncle now dead and lying in watery Atlantic grave. I still get tears when I remember how he loved us all.

It was always about others never about him.I'm trying to compose myself in order to continue my appeal to honest person which is YOU!

Please be advised that I sped on my faithful elephant to BOA to claim my college funds to save crocodiles and found the account cannot be accessed unless I find honest American with bank account in good standing to allow bank here to deposit the $789,000,000.00 into their account.

Wouldn't you know?

Please, I know you have good heart and are willing to see that I go to college in America which is my dream since growing up in Africa a poor neglected child.. Please send to me your bank account number and cell phone number so the bank manager here can begin immediately the honest transaction of the transfer of the $789,000,000.00 from BOA into your American bank account.

Then simply wait until I can get there and we can split the money 50/50. One small item remains we must do to get money from bank. In order to secure transaction I will need you to send IMMEDIATELY the sum of $10,000.00 to pay the costs the bank of Africa requires to transfer such a large sum of money from one country to the next. Simply send the money by wire to me and I will commence the dealing.

HUGS,

Waldo your friend and confidante.

Dear Waldo....On Saturday...check your email IMMEDIATELY!
Download file without fear!
Trust me I am honest person.
Hugs...
Your honest American friend now in prison
for crimes I did not commit!.

Cheating and Cheating on Me

Dear Dr Heartache........Here is the sad story....
Good-looking Kyle and drop dead gorgeous Meg met one day when Kyle was out shopping for new tires.
They immediately clicked!
Meg works at the tire store. Yes Kyle is married! Kyle said he could not help himself even though he loves his portly wife with a comfortable love.

He said that Meg offered excitement and adventure. It was a break from his monotonous marriage which was the same everyday.

He said his wife Kimberly had let herself go and was so fat he could hardly reach his arms around her anymore. He added that her breath always smelled like fried chicken and cold slaw!

He said she consumed eight chocolate eclairs a day along with a six pack of Coke.
On top of that she eats a huge bowl of cereal each night (Rice Crisps)loaded with bananas and strawberries, then washes it down with a large glass of chocolate milk.

Meg on the other hand is slim and trim from doing Pilate's and eating right. She completely cut out red meat from her meals.

Meg's husband had left her for another woman and her attitude was such that she didn't care what woman she hurt it wasn't her problem.

Her argument is that no one cared about her marriage so she will not care either. She said she was out for vengeance however she could administer it. Strangely she said that she had once been morbidly obese and this could be why Lonny left her. She lost the weight made herself drop dead gorgeous and set out to hurt men.

Whoever got in the way was simply roadkill to her. Yes she is out of her mind with thoughts of revenge. She adored her husband and doted on him, lived only for him now he left and she is a different person out to do damage.
Yes you guessed it I am Kimberly.
What shall I do Dr Heartache? I'm at a loss for a plan to get my no good husband back. Incidentally we have a few kids; ten to be exact.

Heartbroken and Humiliated in New Jersey

Dear Heartbroken and Humiliated,

Kimberly let me put this as clear as I can..why oh why
and I do ask why would you want a man who wants another woman?
Where is your sense of self respect? Your decency? Your honor? Your pride?
Your self-esteem? Your ability to think? Your desire to be human?
Have you lost your love of self?
You need to see a shrink immediately.
What can you do to get him back you ask?
Kimberly..Kimberly..Kimberly..
Wake up and face the cold hard facts of life.
But...he your shameless micro-mini-minded-moron poor excuse of a husband
is deserving of what he got, which is an equally shameless
micro-mini-minded moron of a poor excuse for awoman.
These two shameless losers cannot make this story up.
These two meeting is as common a happening as any tragedy of life.
Please get a grip on reality!
HE doesn't like you!
How can you like a man who doesn't like you?
It isn't even possible to do that.
Unless you are like Kyle and Meg which is shameless!
So you are definitely in some type of denial of what happened.
He left you for her so what does that tell you?
He drew you a picture in living color of what he thinks of you!
A picture of him without you!
He prefers her! Hard to fathom what some people do for "love"
but nevertheless it is true!
Go to a dating site immediately and meet an obese man!
Make sure he likes kids!
Hope this helped...

Nigeria and Burkino Faso Wealth Opportunity!

Dear Dr Heartache.....I Need Help....I see you receive letters from Nigerians in Burkino Faso asking for your assistance to relieve bank of Africa of millions, perhaps trillions of US Dollars.

The honest person asking or rather begging for your help is usually a Nigerian who asked for all information about you including your fingerprints and xrays plus.. any MRI findings.

Also send your cell phone number! IMMEDIATELY!

I hope you have Verizon because I do and our important calls concerning this fast money making scheme will be FREE!

Well...Dr Heartache I am NOT a Nigerian con-artist who has nothing to do but try to swindle greedy people over Internet.No no no!
In fact I am the donkey who somehow survived the plane crash in 2009 where all aboard were tragically killed.

Including my illustrious owner. May he RIP.

Moving right along...Among the dead was the owner of the account Cououor Pierre Waropuop whose interest in Nigerian Internet scams, which is a HOT issue you might be interested in, had mercy and left me the keys to solving locked up money in African banks.
.
He left precise instructions concerning the $900,000,000.000 and 14 cents in US Currency... that it must be withdrawn from bank in Burkino Faso IMMEDIATELY only by honest person who is an American with a bank account.

This would be you Dr Heartache! Don't be a fool and allow this opportunity to pass you by.

I hope you understand that I am honest person. But because of tragedy in my miserable life since childhood I can only hope you feel sorry for me and email... or mail me your bank account number so I many IMMEDIATELY instruct Bank of Burkino Faso in thriving city of Noiouepoiueuuiop, Africa to honor your name and bank account number and thereby deposit total sum of $900,000,000.00 US Currency and 14 cents into your American account.

IMMEDIATELY!

I am willing to let you keep 80% of money and I will only take the remaining 20% since I have not long to live due to my various ailments such as cancer and leukemia as well as full blown AIDS.. and another disease or two they have yet to identify.

I live in constant pain. I need medicine desperately not to mention I need to see dentist to keep my teeth from falling out as they are now dropping like flies from my mouth because of my profusely bleeding gums and bad breath.


Moving right along.....Dr Heartache...I plead you to be compassionate and allow me to be your partner in this rich transaction. Picture yourself on a beach in the South Seas basking on the beach while sipping an exotic drink and just relaxing while the world goes by. Or Cancun or even a safari in Africa to see all the exciting sights we have here.
Send all requested information IMMEDIATELY and I await with joy and expectation knowing you will not let this money making opportunity pass you by.

You are much too wise for that Dr Heartache!

Hugs,
Donkey of Burkino Faso

Dear Donkey of Burkino Faso..

I will send all the necessary information the Bank of Africa requested IMMEDIATELY!
Check your email tomorrow morning and see what is there!
It will be labeled TROJAN and WORM.
OPEN IMMEDIATELY!
HUGS!

I'm Madly In Love Again Dr Heartache!

Dear Dr Heartache.....I Need Help....

I don't know where to begin telling you my story of pain.
I am in so much anguish over Winston I can barely speak above a whisper since my throat is raw from sobbing and my eyes are swollen from crying.

Let me say this...I walk the floor every night and cannot sleep. Even sleep masks don't help. They become soaked with tears until I have to wring them out and hang them to dry over the bathtub.

Winston thrilled me with his love. Now he is gone!
Yes Dr Heartache he is gone. Winston has been "replaced" by a dead man.

I had to admit him to a psychiatric ward for treatment since he thinks he is Napoleon.

This is not funny Dr Heartache it is true he thinks he is Napoleon! I tried to tell him he is not but his doctor said that I must leave him to their care and treatment.
They put him on medication and locked him up in a small room after they put him in a strait jacket.

We were insanely happy for three years. Then one day out of nowhere he said to me as we were sitting watching Encore that he is not Winston but Napoleon.
I cannot describe my heartbreak at hearing this. I looked into his eyes and even though it looks like Winston he did resemble the photos I have seen of the French emperor.
What happened to my Winston? Can I ever get him back?
Bereft in Sacramento

Dear Bereft in Sacramento,

My advice to you is to allow the doctors to help him if that is even possible.
Anyone who thinks he is a dead person is seriously ill and could even be dangerous.
Not exactly husband material!
My advice to you is find a new love immediately!
I seriously doubt if Winston will miss you.. sad to say.
Hope this helps...
PS write me again if there is any improvement in Winston and I can give you other advice such as...oh well just write me...about Winston or rather Napoleon.

BURKINO FASO FUN!

Good day Dr Heartache....and compliments to you.

I am writing this letter in confidence believing that if it is the wish of God for you to help me and my family you will be obedient to God and send me all necessary information such as your bank account number IMMEDIATELY!.

God almighty will bless and reward you abundantly and you would never regret this. But in order to get his blessing you must help me! NOW!

I am a male student from University of... yes! you guessed it right...I am from Burkina Faso, the headquarters of Nigerian Internet con-artists.

My name is Foodie Ouagadougou. I am 28 yrs old.
I am responsible and fun loving as well as of superior intelligence worthy of all respect so this is why I appeal to you Dr Heartache for help as none can help me unless they are honest as you are.

I would like to build up a solid foundation with you in time coming if you can be able to help me in this transaction. Please!

Well, my dear father died and left me and my junior brother behind. He was a KING, which our town citizens titled him over sixteen years before his death ( for no apparent reason) but anyway....
I was a prince to him and I am the only person who can take care of his wealth now because my junior brother is still young and my mother is not literate enough to know my entire father's wealth. In truth my mum's IQ is .03

MY wonderful now dead father deposited the sum of United States Dollars $91,111,111,122,222,333,344,345.00 and an extra 350,000.00 and 14 cents as a family treasure in a Security Company in Malaysia. Greenbacks by the tons!
Yahoo!

This money was annually paid into my late fathers account from SHELL Petroleum Development Company (SPDC) and CHEVRON Oil Company operating in our locality for the compensation of youth and community development in our jurisdiction. Moving right along....

Now, I urgently need your humble assistance to go and clear the consignment money from the Security Company in Malaysia. Yahoo! I felt happy when I saw your contact because I strongly believe that you will help me invest this money wisely. I could just tell you are the type who can help me get this money fast!

I am ready willing and able to pay 99% of the total amount to you if you help me clear the consignment/fund from the security company and another 99% interest of Annual After Income to you,for handling this transaction for me and my ailing Mum, which you will strongly have absolute control over.

If you can handle this project sincerely and also willing to assist me in lifting this fund, kindly reach me by replying to this email. IMMEDIATELY!

Please, note that this transaction is 100% risk free and I hope to commence the transaction as quick as possible, I will send you my International Passport copy as soon as I hear from you and also provide you the contact of the security company in Malaysia. Contact via Donkey carts INC. Ask for Slinky.

Yours sincerely,

Mr. Keishaiopeni Windbag Wing nut.

Dear Mr Wing nut,
Yes I see that your offer is 100% risk free!
Goodbye!
Yahoo!