Helpme! please help me Dr Heartache...!

My dear Dr Heartache, I write to implore you to help me with my problem.

I am married to a rich man. He is so rich he is unaware that he is this rich. It is literally impossible to count his fortune in a language we can understand. It is absurd how much he is worth. I weep with shame as I type this letter for help. I am so rich.

I spend money shamelessly. I shop endlessly. I travel extensively.
My coffers are full. My closets overflow with designer clothes.
No one owns more shoes than I do. I also own 8,90,000 headbands in case I don't feel like doing my hair.

My collection of art is worth millions and millions of dollars.
Believe it or not I own an original Rembrandt.

My jewelry is more beautiful and costly than the queen of England's jewelry. I have pearls right out of the clam's mouth. The diamonds, the pearls, the emeralds, the rubies and more are scattered at my pedicured feet.

I spend money as I breathe. And this only from the interest accumulating from my husband's enormous bank accounts all over the world.

My wedding dress was covered with diamonds. My tiara was more valuable than the pope's.

Yes Dr Heartache, that is how rich I am married to this man.

He loves me madly. He adores me. He worships the ground I walk on.
He said if he ever lost me he would cease to want to live, that I am the only reason he breathes.

He calls me.."My darling love breath, my only one."

He has never cheated on me. I have never cheated on him. Frankly I don't have the time, I am much too busy shopping.

You may be wondering what could possibly be wrong.

There is something wrong Because I am totally gorgeous beyond belief.
Why would he want her if he does. I am getting ahead of myself here.....

I discovered that Rory is planning on taking a trip to Rome. I learned through reliable sources that he is planning on taking with him a woman he recently hired. How could this be? How could he think this is alright with me? He has not told me this, I discovered it as I told you.
I am crushed! I am shattered and bereft.
Should I file for divorce? Should I ignore it?
Do I have cause to be concerned?

Wondering in New York..

Dear Wondering in New York...

Hmmm......such an unusual problem....husband planning trip to Rome, perhaps to romantic Paris with the woman he just hired.
Hmmm....so do you need a therapist? Of course he is up to no good.
Of course, it may be innocent, but these cases rarely are innocent.
You failed to tell me what the woman looks like.
This is crucial in determining his motives or reasons.
Write back and send pic of her so I can give you a more detailed answer.
If she is hideous to behold, you are safe. If she is beautiful you are in trouble!
Hope this helps....

Useful Idiot Gets Used!

(I may edit what emails I receive in my inbox. Names changed not to protect the guilty, but for fun)
Dear Dear one...My name is Princess Ileana Mae of the beautiful land of jungle and coconuts; the kingdom of Bassoon Congo of Nigeria.

I beg you to hear me out as I desperately need your assistance concerning an outrageous sum of money now available for me and you to spend as we wish. I only hope that you are dishonest and utterly desperate for money, or I will not be able to use you in my money making scheme.

This recurring nightmare fell on my life when I learned that my dear adoring husband Willy, the love of my life "fell in love" with another woman. Her name is Jezebel. I detest her, and utterly loathe and despise her for taking away my Willy. But anyway.....

I suspected they had something going when I saw how he looked at her at our last kingdom picnic. His eyes were overflowing with "love" for this...this...this...this..home wrecker.
She is, of course a shameless hussy whose lust for married men knows no bounds. They kissed right in front of everyone at the kingdom picnic. I was humiliated beyond belief...................yawn.....anyway....

Before he divorced me on grounds of being "in love" with his shameless hussy, he forgot (Yes!) to withdraw the $100,000,000.00 (One hundred-million dollars) from our joint bank account. Now that the divorce is final, it appears he is now disqualified from ever, as long as he lives, (Yes!) to have a share or part in the money we without conscience accumulated from the outrageous taxes we collected by force from hard working villagers and peasants....and of course the handicapped.

In his lust for the shameless hussy he signed away all his rights. He realized it too late. The judge which heard our unusual case said that his signature is enough proof to bar him forever from any of the $100,000,000.00 US dollars.

His shameless hussy wife now wants to divorce him since she learned that he is merely now a penniless lust-filled moron. Instead of the useful idiot he was.

All I need you to do is email me IMMEDIATELY! I am not well and who knows how long I will last in this condition losing the love of my life to a hussy.


Give me the necessary information such as the name of your bank, your bank account number, your legal name along with your DL number and SSA number with your passport. Also if possible attach an example of your signature.

Thank you for having mercy on poor heartbroken me.
Princess
Ileana Mae
Heartbroken princess of Bassoon Congo of Nigeria.

Dear Heartbroken princess from wherever..
Sorry....but Dr Heartache is on vacation in Hawaii.
She won't be back for three weeks.
Try later....

Africa

Dear Dr Heartache....sigh what shall I do?
Dear Chosen One aka Potential Victim.

I am the auditing and accounting manager (B.O.A) here in Ouagadougou , Burkina Faso . Yes the disgustingly rich Bank of Africa. My name is Bongo Drums and I really live in NY.

In my department I discovered an abandoned sum of US $100.5m dollars (one-hundred million five hundred thousand us dollars) in an account that belongs to one of our foreign customers (Mr Tom Smithereens from Texas USA) who died along with his entire family in 1999 in a plane crash.

Since I got information about his untimely death, the bank have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless some body applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased customer as indicated in our banking guidelines and laws.

But unfortunately we learn that all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim.

It is therefore upon this discovery that I now decided to make this business proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased customer for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and I don't want this money to go into the bank treasury as unclaimed bill.

All you have to do is lie to the authorities and pretend you are someone you are not. Yes, it is that simple.

I will help arrange for your phony identification so we can claim this money he left behind.

The banking law and guideline here stipulates that if such money remained unclaimed after ten years, the money will be transferred into the bank treasury as unclaimed fund.

The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and a Murkiness cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner.

I agree that 90% of this money will be for you as a respect to the provision of a foreign account, 5% will be set aside for expenses incurred during the business and 5% would be for me.

I will send to you by fax or email the text of application form. I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is hitch-free and that you should not entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made by me.

And I'm sure you will have no problem trusting a complete stranger with millions of dollars that does not belong to him, if such money exists,which it does.

Remember the key word is LIE.

My regards to you and the family.
Mr Obunga Tonga

Weary of Nigerian crooks in Stockton, California

Dear Weary in California,

This will be my last response to Nigerian email scam letters.
Here is my answer to your problem...
Get a life!

Dear One

Dear Dr Heartache....I'm wondering....should I feel guilty for using Nigerian email letters to blog just so I can laugh?

Here is another example of the nerve of some people who all live in Africa, whose families have all died in plane crashes with they being the only survivor. They all discovered outrageous bank accounts left that they cannot access unless they can find a dishonest American to "assist" them in their "urgent business problem".

Dearest one, Good day and compliments of the seasons. I am Mrs. Florence Decca an aging widow of 89 years old suffering from long time illness. My ailments are too numerous to mention here. Let me just say that I am near death. My disease is so rare not even the doctor can figure out what it is. He said I will be dead by sunrise, so it is important you email me back IMMEDIATELY!

The loss of my adoring husband has shattered my dreams and laid waste my once happy and blissful existence. Nothing is left of my life but a big greasy smear. Anyway moving right along..... I could not even be able to write you this email.

If not for the assistance of my only son nine- year old dear kind-hearted Rocko that I am able write you this email. (I had him when I was eighty)

He is taking dictation as I lie here bleeding and writhing in anguish and pain on my cot. I speak between gasps.

He is weeping uncontrollably as he struggles to write what I say to you, my dear only hope.

I have some funds (cough cough) I inherited from my late husband Oloolio, the sum of $70,500,000.00 and I needed you being a very honest and God fearing person to receive this money in your American bank account for the well-being of the poor in your country or else where in the world.

I found you as a person that can be trusted and I decided to contact you if you may be willing and interested to handle these fund project before anything happens to me.

Judging from your Dear Dr Heartache blog I can see you are seriously dedicated to the cause of absurdity and humor and just plain nonsense.

But if just for this once you can find it in your heart to be seriously concerned about someone other than yourself (no offense intended) I am in need of assistance which is a matter of life or death. I am desperately in need of immediate help. I have summoned up raw old-fashioned courage to contact you for this project.

I understand you care deeply about people and walruses ( I being of the former species) and this is why I have chosen you to be the recipient of funds that will be graciously given to you IF you assist me in getting them out of bank in Nigeria.

Please, please, please, please, please, please, I beg.... I plead, I beseech, I implore, I appeal to any compassion that might be within your blogging heart if you would be able to use the funds as I directed you herein let me know immediately in your reply e-mail for further details and directives on how you will invest for my son and assist him to come over to meet you in your country to further his education.

Any delays in your replying will give me room to look for another person (IF I live) to handle this all- important task on my behalf. If I survive another day. My doctor said he sees death on my once lighted brow.

Don't forget I am near death. I can see it now. It is walking toward me. It is dressed in a skeleton costume. Hmm..or is that a costume???

Please answer now! Immediately! Help my poor son about to be motherless and alone in this cruel world.
Warmest Regards, From your beloved sister, Florence Decca and son Ubannaoo. ONE WITH LOVE AND BEST WISHES!!! Dying Woman

Weary of pleas in the Rockies,
Dear Weary of Pleas in the Rockies,
I suggest you quit opening these emails!
Should you feel guilty?
Guilty for what?
Remember the Bible says that laughter does good like a medicine.
Go hiking in the snow.

Dear Friend.................

Dear Ms Janie,

I am Mr. Stephen Tan, Investment Director on foreign investments department of Agricultural Bank Of China.

I am writing following an opportunity in my office that will be of immense benefit to both of us.

On January 11th 2000, a German estate tycoon... Late Mr. Andreas Scanner deposited $100,000,000 (One-hundred Million United States Dollars) under our portfolio management department for a period of Two (2)Years, and the deposit matured on the 18th of February 2002 with about 35% growth which amounted to a total of $15,520,000 (Fifteen hundred Million, Five Hundred and Twenty Thousand United States Dollars).


Upon maturity, a routine notification was sent to his forwarding address all to no avail. Several attempts were made to contact him but without responses.

After a month, another reminder was sent to him from my desk and evidently I discovered from his contract employers that Mr. Andreas Scanner died in the plane crash of Air France Concorde flight 4590 which crashed on July 25th 2000.

On further in debt investigation, I discovered that he died with his wife and entire family, as all efforts to trace members of his neither family nor relatives proved futile.

You shall read more about the crash on visiting this site. www.mentalsilliness.org Mr. Andreas Scanner, has long bought the farm and since his death none of his next-of-kin or relations has come forward to lay claims for this money as the heir.

He died without identifying with anybody about these funds, which has since matured and the roll-over on the funds also expired. This sum of $150,520,000 (One-hundred and fifty Million, Five Hundred and Twenty Thousand United States Dollars ) is still in my possession in my Bank lifeless and unnoticed because there will never be a claim on the funds.

All material, immaterial documents and certificates relating to the funds is also in my possession. Against this backdrop, I am proposing to you to stand in as the next of kin to Late Mr. Andreas Scanner. The Chinese Government banking law and guidelines here stipulates that at the expiration of eight (8) years such funds will be transferred into banking treasury as unclaimed funds.

The money will be approved into your account and subsequently, we shall share in the ratio: 1% for us and 99% for you as gratification for assistance rendered. I will visit your country for the Disbursement, according to the percentages indicated above once this money gets into your account. I humbly crave your indulgence in portraying sincerity towards this matter, as trust stands to be our watchword in this transaction.

Our assurance is that your role is risk free to accord this transaction the legality it deserves as with all modalities put in place we are certain in actualizing a hitch free transfer of the funds without any impediments. My position with my bank already guarantees the swift execution of this project.

We will discuss much in details when I do receive your response. Kindly signify your willingness to assist by sending me an email for further Procedures relating to this transaction.
Email me IMMEDIATELY!

Dear Dr Heartache.....I Need Help....Shall I indulge?

Wondering in Kansas...

Dear Wondering in Kansas,

Yawn...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......snore....

Shall I Be Trustee?

Dear Dr Heartache.....I Need Help....Please advise me about this email I received just last night.
I confess I could use the money, but I'm a little hesitant so my newest love Ricardo advised me to ask you since I won't listen to his refusal to be a part of this...as he calls is a.."scam".


I told him that I would leave the decision up to you since you have always given such great advice, such as when you advised that young couple from Brooklyn not to open a generic coffee shop next door to Starbucks.
Here is what the letter said.


Dear Trustworthy Friend,

I know this email will come to you as a surprise,
because you don’t know me and I don’t know you.

Let me introduce myself to you.
First my name is Justine Wackjob.
I am an unattractive desperate, yet caring and loving angel of mercy sent to you to make you rich.

I need to tell you more things, but first I need your help to Stand for me as a trustee. I beg you to listen to me! I am beside myself with worry.
My father Dr. Crook Wackjob was the former Minister for Affairs and Special Adviser to President Nutcase Kiri of South Sudan for Decentralization.

My father Dr. Crook Wackjob and my dear mother Rosebanee including other top Military officers and top government officials where on board when their plane crashed on Friday May 02,2008.

You can read more about the crash through the below listed site www.site.govern.org.
Moving right along... months after the burial of my father,
my uncle Zongo conspired with my step mother Patti and sold my father's properties to a Chinese Expatriate.
His name is Chang Yang Sun.
In a fateful moment on a bright October morn, I opened my father's briefcase and found documents which my beloved late father used to deposit money in Burkino Faso , not far from KFC with my name as the next of kin.
I was devastated beyond description and had to be hospitalized for a week.

When I recovered somewhat from this shocking betrayal,
I traveled to Burkina Faso by donkey to withdraw the money so that I can start a better life and take care of myself.

The Branch manager of the Bank whom I met in person told me that my present status, does not permit me by the local law to clear money or make a transfer of money into an account,

He subsequently advised me to provide a trustee who will help me to invest the money or I should wait till I will get married, which will probably be never the way my love life has been going, but with a trustee I can demand by their Authority.

I have chosen to contact you after my prayers and I believe that you will not betray my trust. But rather take me as your own blood sister.

Though you may wonder why I am so soon revealing myself to you without knowing you, well, I will say that my drug induced mind convinced me that you are the true person to help me.

More so, I will like to disclose much to you if you can help me to relocate to your country because my uncle has threatened to assassinate me.

The amount is $985.8 Million smackeroos and I have confirmed from the bank in Burkina Faso.
You will also help me to place the money in a more profitable business venture in your Country.

However, I trust you will help by recommending a reputable University in your country so that I can complete my studies. I plan on being a plastic surgeon specializing in cosmetic surgery on Doberman Pinschers. The ones with the red eyes. And razor sharp teeth.

And since I love animals so much I will not give them anesthesia when I do the surgery for fear of them dying. I have given many dogs mouth to mouth resuscitation and have saved many canine lives, especially those of the little Mexican chihuahuas.
Dogs naturally take to me....they just trust me, so I tell you this so that you may trust me also....no offense intended.

It is my intention to compensate you with 10% of the total money for your services and the balance shall be my capital in your establishment. As soon as I receive your interest in helping me,

I will put things into action immediately.

In the light of the above, I shall appreciate an urgent message indicating your ability and willingness to handle this transaction sincerely.
Please do keep this only to your self. I beg you not to disclose it till I come over because I am afraid of my wicked uncle who has threatened to kill me.

Sincerely yours Justine Extreme Wackjob.
My cell phone is 000-0-0348-888-123 EX 365089000


Undecided in Marys ville, Washington

Dear Undecided in Washington,

Puh...leeeeze!!