Dr Heartache.....I've Had it!

Dear Dr Heartache.....I Need Help....

Here is my dreadful unsolvable dilemma, Dr Heartache.

Please help me or I might not survive........

I fell deeply, madly, passionately in love with my doctor.

I had never met him until I had to find a new doctor since my regular

doctor suddenly died while examining his last patient.

Anyway I had to make an appointment

for a routine examination for my job.

I searched through the yellow pages until

I found a nice sounding name...Dr Horatio Almalikert..so romantic sounding....

I called and they scheduled me for the following week.

I wore these cute clothes I found online at Nordstrom's...you should see my shoes..to die for

but anyway

When I saw him I just knew! He is of medium height with wonderful dark

wavy hair parted in the middle

with a thick full mustache and broad shoulders with sparkling eyes.

This is where the problem gets deep and seemingly unsolvable...

He asked me to assist him in brain surgery.

It seems that someone told him that I had performed brain surgery before..

so he immediately assumed I was a doctor also.

Oh! Dr Heartache, the brain surgery I performed was on a neck clam,

which I thought it was his little brain when I was performing serious surgery

all those years ago...it looked like a brain, but now that I recall it was so tiny..

for biology class ten years ago.

He said if I didn't assist him.... our relationship is over!

What shall I do? If I assist him and the patient dies,

which I'm sure he/she will.........

I will never be able to forgive myself...

but worse I will never marry Horatio.

I'm torn between being true to myself...

and wonderful romance and marriage to Horatio..

Please advise me immediately since the brain surgery on the

98 year old patient is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 8AM.

Shaking and Worried in Nigeria

Dear Shaking and Worried in Nigeria,

If you performed brain surgery on a neck clam..

I simply cannot see any reason why you should NOT

assist Horatio.

Good luck and hope this helped..

Write and let me know how the patient fared.

Obama all about Obama..

Dear Dr Heartache.....what do you think..

Someone said that an American voting for Barack Obama

would be like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders.

Do you think this is true, and if so, why?

Just wondering in West Virginia

Dear Just wondering in West Virginia,

Well, my dear, if you don't know

the obvious answer to that,

what can I say?

Ventriloquist Page?

Dear Dr Heartache.....

I 'm shocked and horrified. I can't describe in words how absolutely insulted I am.

I received an anonymous email two days ago. The sender said they read my Dr Heartache blog faithfully, then accused me of using you dear Dr Heartache as a dummy.

Yes, a dummy. You my dear Dr Heartache are nothing more than a dummy I use to vent my feelings on was the emailer's concern

The sender said that this page I blog on is simply a ventriloquist page where I use you dear Dr Heartache as a dummy..

Yes, they even went so far as to say they knew it was me all along....asking you questions then answering myself while pretending it is you...er...me......or is it you......yep.... it is a ventriloquist act.

I'm shocked! I thought no one knew it was me as me and me as you...............and you are me and me is you.......

Can you imagine me with a dummy (you) I call Dr Heartache and me the ventriloquist?

They said I vent all my true feelings through you......what rubbish!

It is absurd!

Please advise me.......should I answer the email? Should I delete it? I simply don't know what to do.

Angry and insulted in Marysville, Washington

Dear Angry and insulted in Marysville, Washington,

Answer the email as soon as you can click yourself there.

Inform your accuser that I am not a dummy.

Also tell this rude cyberspace clicker that I am quite capable of defending myself

against all enemies foreign and domestic...

..wait a minute I think I slipped into a constitutional quote or something there....okay

let me try again....

At any rate, try to forgive and forget as I intend to do as soon as I sign off...

Hope this helped....

Dear Dr Heartache....I'm destroyed...

Dear Dr Heartache. please....when you read my story of such pain, horror and suffering, please try not to break down in sobs and tears.

Try to remain composed so you can advise me.

Muhammed and I were married two weeks ago and were delirious with joy and happiness. Muhammed and I bought a beautiful home in the San Fernando valley. We planned on having four kids.

Everything was going fine until one day when Muhammed and I decided to go shopping for carpet.

We had hardwood floors and I want carpet.

On the way to the carpet store we stopped at Burger King for whoppers and two cokes.

We finished our burgers and fires and cokes, then decided to stop at this beautiful park to walk through it holding hands.

We were in total and absolute bliss. We talked of the future and laughed together.

We finally got to the carpet place and started looking around. The sales person was very helpful as we explained exactly what we were after.

Then for no apparent reason Muhammed sat on this carpet...

and said some Arabic words and flew away.

Oh Dr Heartache.....I'm devastated beyond description!

The last word I heard Muhammed shout as

he flew away on his magic carpet was..............

Happy Ramadan to all and to all a goodnight!

What shall I do? I'm lost and so heartbroken.....he left on a carpet I would never choose for our house.

Shall I wait for Muhammed to fly back?

Shall I forget him?

Please help me....I'm so lost!

Now I understand why he got that gleam in his eye

when I said the word "rug"

Completely shattered in southern California

Dear Completely shattered in southern California,

Please wait until I reach for another

box of tissues to dry my tear soaked eyes.

First you must leave for Mecca immediately!

When you get there, rent a camel and go out to the desert to find this low down husband who abandoned you.

If you don't find him in Mecca go to Medina.

When you find the flying ace, tell him that if he is sorry you will

forgive and forget

but if he refuses you must accept the fact that he is not the one for you.

Then go home and place an ad in the

Torrid Midnight Passion Dating Services.

Hope this helped...

Dr Heartache....I'm slowly dying......

Dear Dr Heartache.....I Need Help....fast...

Please help me Dr Heartache,

My life is utterly and completely destroyed. I...I....I...I...cried all night long and didn't stop until a few minutes ago.

I just found out that my boss Chang is firing me this Friday.

He didn't tell me but apparently he has been telling the whole company.

What kind of a low down employer would stoop to such behaviour? He and I dated for a while, then I found out that he was already engaged to a wildly insane Buddhist. She lives in a temple outside of the city and is a vegetarian. She dresses like the Dali Llama.

It is reported that they plan to marry in front of the Dali Llama so he can smile at them.

Have you ever heard such nonsense?

He said that he would break it off with Little Flower bell if I agreed to marry him also in front of the Dali Llama and live the rest of my life in a temple.

Is he insane? I'm a Christian and so sorry that I dated a pagan heathen heretic who lives to eat tofu and commit idolatry.

Dr Heartache, I can't do that.....I see the Dali Llama as a severely misled individual. I know I'm supposed to respect other's beliefs but I'm quite confused with his nonsense and utter betrayals and lies and low down ways...my boss, not the Dali Llama.Is this love or is it simply infatuation?

What shall I do?

Hate the Buddhists who have betrayed me in Arkansas

Dear Hate the Buddhists who betrayed me in Arkansas,

You dated a Buddhist? Love?

Infatuation?

Let's not even go there, ok?

One who was engaged to a wildly insane other Buddhist?

Sounds like you need therapy of a special kind.

Since this is Monday Chang must have already fired you.

I strongly urge you to seek help from your pastor.

Another thing.......who said you must respect other's beliefs?

I suggest you also forgive and move on.

Stay away from Chang......he sounds like a real piece of work.

Oh.....and get a life!

Hope this helped.....

Dr Heartache why so many atheists today?

Dear Dr Heartache,

My question has nothing to do with love and loss as I see so many are, but I wonder why there are so many atheists today? Do you have any idea why there are?

I read that more and more people are not believing in God anymore. I can't see how you can believe in him, then stop. Atheism is working hard to "save" the planet from what they perceive as destructive beliefs.

I surf the web and find many many sites dedicated to atheism. I find many sites dedicated to getting the Word out.

Sadly, not one of the people who are trying to get the Word out agree with the other people who are trying to get the Word out. Atheists seem to agree with each other, in that they all say there is no God. And they all agree that people who do believe in God believe in fairy tales.

Now atheism says one thing.....there is no God, or if you happen to be a dyslexic atheist you say.....there is no dog.

Anyway Dr Heartache, I don't know if you're a Christian or not, but can you help me with this?

While I'm waiting for your answer, I'll go down to Fisherman's Wharf for junk food.

Wondering in San Francisco, California

Dear Wondering in San Francisco, California,

The atheists can thank the Christians for helping them recruit more atheists.

They should build a website in honor of the fundies who are causing more and more people to not believe in God.

Who wants to believe in a God who makes greedy rich people richer while millions go hungry and die alone in poverty and squalor? Do you?

Who wants to believe in a God who blesses self-absorbed people and ignores the needy?

This is the God the Christians present and the atheists are successfully using it to promote their agenda.

The fundies make the atheists work very easy.

The Christian television programs never preach of a Saviour who suffered in agony and shame on an old rugged cross and

died for their sins, who commands you to repent of your sins,

and turn from your wicked ways.

But they preach a gospel that tells you how wonderful you are. The Lord said we are sinners in need of a Saviour, this is the message not being preached.

They promote a social gospel that promotes YOU, promises YOU riches if YOU plant seeds of money.

The gospel requires self-denial. Jesus said to take up your cross and follow him.

The Lord said if you save your life, you will lose it, but if you lose your life you will save it.

The Lord is being blamed for what many professing Christians do.

Don't allow what others do to influence you in any way, but take up your cross

and follow the humble Saviour who promised you strength for your day, rest for the journey and light and grace to help you along your way.

"And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me." Luke 9:23